So something good happened to me recently. Like really good. Here is the Midwestern way of dealing with happy things:
1. Downplay the possibility that the happy thing will actually happen.
2. Pretend not to care whether happy thing will happen or not - you know, whatever, it's fine, could give or take it.
3. Entertain worst case scenarios in the (assumed) event that happy thing will not happen.
4. Extreme reluctance to even talk about the possibility of the happy thing happening because talking about it will make it not happen.
5. Resign yourself to happy thing not happening, just in case it doesn't. Which it probably won't.
6. Allow yourself two minutes per day to think about happy thing happening - the other 1338 minutes must be spent not thinking about happy thing in case even thinking about it will doom it.
7. Call yourself 'cautiously optimistic' to others about the happy thing happening and know that that is even going a little too far.
8. If happy thing is mentioned in regards to it actually happening, feel extremely superstitious to the point where you always mime knocking on wood, reference wood-knocking, and/or actually locate a piece of wood to knock prior to discussing happy thing.
9. Tell only a select few about the possibility of happy thing happening so that when/if it doesn't, everyone will not know of your overwhelming disappointment in happy thing not happening and attempt to console or cheer you up when your dreams are crushed - which you hate.
10. Map out all possible reasons how, after happy thing has maybe happened, it could somehow be taken away from you.
11. Only when and if happy thing is 100% a done deal/it has actually happened and no one can take it away/sure thing should you allow yourself to dip your toe into the water of happiness. Do not go overboard.
12. Finally allow yourself to admit to being happy.
So that's how I've spent the last two months until two days ago. Yeah, so I'm happy! Exclamation point. I'm also Midwestern enough for a final point.
13. After happy thing has actually happened, give yourself a week or so before it sinks in and things are in place and plans begin to shape up before you blog about what it actually is. Because the first rule of Midwestern happiness is to not get too excited about it and sound like you're bragging about your happiness to everyone. You know, just in case.
1/31/2010
1/20/2010
This is the one
In addition to footfalls the size of Yao De-Fen (world's tallest woman, FYI), the upstairs neighbors own what I assume to be a tiny wooden mallet which they are using to hammer nails into the floorboards for no apparent reason I can conjure. Therefore, I hate them.
So with that in mind, I will briefly also tell you that I have 'hottub arm' which I sustained this past weekend while in Cleveland. Apparently, if you hang out in the hottub for a long period of time doing nothing but bringing a glass of mimosas to your mouth, you possibly tear a rotator cuff or weaken a key muscle in your shoulder and become unable to lift heavy objects. Best to stick to tiny wooden mallets. Or tiny wooden hands. The more you know...
What else? I am attending a scotch tasting class tomorrow eve and am excited about that. I'll prep a webinar on it after and invite you all. Are you not interested in learning about the classic malts? There will be a pop quiz involving questions such as Is this fabulous or fantastique? and Have we tried this one? Which one do we like? Etc etc.
Oh, and the baby goats have arrived on the farm. This is not a euphemism. I'm excited and hopeful about the whole thing.
I need a nap now, goodnight!
So with that in mind, I will briefly also tell you that I have 'hottub arm' which I sustained this past weekend while in Cleveland. Apparently, if you hang out in the hottub for a long period of time doing nothing but bringing a glass of mimosas to your mouth, you possibly tear a rotator cuff or weaken a key muscle in your shoulder and become unable to lift heavy objects. Best to stick to tiny wooden mallets. Or tiny wooden hands. The more you know...
What else? I am attending a scotch tasting class tomorrow eve and am excited about that. I'll prep a webinar on it after and invite you all. Are you not interested in learning about the classic malts? There will be a pop quiz involving questions such as Is this fabulous or fantastique? and Have we tried this one? Which one do we like? Etc etc.
Oh, and the baby goats have arrived on the farm. This is not a euphemism. I'm excited and hopeful about the whole thing.
I need a nap now, goodnight!
1/12/2010
Singing morphine alarms out of tune
Fine fine, no one wants to admit that they'd buy a vegetable garden. Whatever. Denial is sad.
More importantly, does anyone want to admit that they are traveling to Kentucky and Ohio this week/weekend? No? Well fine, I will. Do not knock the south/rust belt states please. It shall be a combo of work and cooking and drinking and hottubs and fireplaces and etc. Frankly, I do not think there are any other states in the country that can beat that potential so there.
What else? I blew off a 2 hours "webinar" today after the first hour. You would too if it went on until 6pm and you had heard it all before and you were running late for dinner plans. I feel no guilt.
I also am not going to speak about the Metro of late because I have nothing good to say except that it's why people in this city are so serious/cranky/mean, myself included. Major issues with commuting these days so therefore I shall dream about a day (maybe soon) when I can ride my bike to work. I am also dreaming of alot of things lately that do not involve this city and all of these people. No one finds your own dreams interesting so I will not tell you about the dream I had this morning where I had this cool watch that had a doppler radarfunction on it and so I could see the line of storms coming right before I got caught in a major downpour. You tell me.
This will lift your spirits:
More importantly, does anyone want to admit that they are traveling to Kentucky and Ohio this week/weekend? No? Well fine, I will. Do not knock the south/rust belt states please. It shall be a combo of work and cooking and drinking and hottubs and fireplaces and etc. Frankly, I do not think there are any other states in the country that can beat that potential so there.
What else? I blew off a 2 hours "webinar" today after the first hour. You would too if it went on until 6pm and you had heard it all before and you were running late for dinner plans. I feel no guilt.
I also am not going to speak about the Metro of late because I have nothing good to say except that it's why people in this city are so serious/cranky/mean, myself included. Major issues with commuting these days so therefore I shall dream about a day (maybe soon) when I can ride my bike to work. I am also dreaming of alot of things lately that do not involve this city and all of these people. No one finds your own dreams interesting so I will not tell you about the dream I had this morning where I had this cool watch that had a doppler radarfunction on it and so I could see the line of storms coming right before I got caught in a major downpour. You tell me.
This will lift your spirits:
1/09/2010
I am my own niche market
I have a couple of ideas I want to run by you. Please leave your honest feedback.
I have several iPhone application concepts, one of which is a guaranteed winner and am meeting with a developer today. Over beers. Trust me, you would purchase one for .99 cents and so will a million other people hence I will retire. I don't want to go into the details of that because I haven't yet trademarked it and holla, I don't give it away for free like a lady of the night. Actually, ladies of the night do not give it away free so wrong simile. Anyway, you know what I mean. Stay tuned on that.
However, I will share with you another one that may find a smaller audience. I'm planning on culling all of my sister's Facebook status updates to create a Random-Overshare-Of-The-Day application. Much like a daily horoscope app or an inspirational quote generator, this application (and/or daily email for those sans iphone) will deliver you a guaranteed painful overshare that will let you say "I'm glad I never post on FB while drunk". To give you a taste of what you are missing, here is a sample Random Overshare to whet your whistle. I should also say that each Overshare is unedited to preserve its spirit.
OH GRACIOUS!!! cant decide if my gas or the doggies gas is worse!!! okay..yes I can! Its the doggies...cuz mine smells like roses!!!hahahaha
Tell me you wouldn't pay 99 cents to receive gems like that every day? A goldmine I tell you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quick question: Would you purchase a sex toy shaped like a vegetable? Say a squash or a cucumber or zucchini or carrot or I guess a strand of new potatoes strung together? The reason I ask and why I believe this to be a potential Good Idea is manyfold.
First, everyone has read tragic stories of people of all sexes using real live vegetables for such purposes - the integrity of the vegetable's structure is sometimes suspect and also X-rays of failed attempts will probably haunt your dreams/discourage perfectly normal sexual exploration and pleasure.
Second, if you search for synthetic vegetable dildos on your Google or better yet your Bing, you will find a dearth of choices. You may even get directed to this very blog which as I am typing this is kind of scary so I will not think about that right now. Not that there's anything wrong with it which hello is the whole point but you know. Creepy searches let me show you mine.
Third, this will create sustainable Green jobs. The Obamas would support it for a variety of reasons. Pineapples. Etc.
Fourth, this product will appeal to those who are a little squeamish about other more realistic toys, vegans, and those who support the environment = everyone.
Finally, tell me you wouldn't purchase a cute, safe, environmentally friendly synthetic (from recycled products) strand of baby carrots for anal play or a large butternut squash for your size queen friend?
Again, goldmine.
Happy Saturday!
ETA: I just thought of the catchline: Delivered Directly To Your Garden
I have several iPhone application concepts, one of which is a guaranteed winner and am meeting with a developer today. Over beers. Trust me, you would purchase one for .99 cents and so will a million other people hence I will retire. I don't want to go into the details of that because I haven't yet trademarked it and holla, I don't give it away for free like a lady of the night. Actually, ladies of the night do not give it away free so wrong simile. Anyway, you know what I mean. Stay tuned on that.
However, I will share with you another one that may find a smaller audience. I'm planning on culling all of my sister's Facebook status updates to create a Random-Overshare-Of-The-Day application. Much like a daily horoscope app or an inspirational quote generator, this application (and/or daily email for those sans iphone) will deliver you a guaranteed painful overshare that will let you say "I'm glad I never post on FB while drunk". To give you a taste of what you are missing, here is a sample Random Overshare to whet your whistle. I should also say that each Overshare is unedited to preserve its spirit.
OH GRACIOUS!!! cant decide if my gas or the doggies gas is worse!!! okay..yes I can! Its the doggies...cuz mine smells like roses!!!hahahaha
Tell me you wouldn't pay 99 cents to receive gems like that every day? A goldmine I tell you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quick question: Would you purchase a sex toy shaped like a vegetable? Say a squash or a cucumber or zucchini or carrot or I guess a strand of new potatoes strung together? The reason I ask and why I believe this to be a potential Good Idea is manyfold.
First, everyone has read tragic stories of people of all sexes using real live vegetables for such purposes - the integrity of the vegetable's structure is sometimes suspect and also X-rays of failed attempts will probably haunt your dreams/discourage perfectly normal sexual exploration and pleasure.
Second, if you search for synthetic vegetable dildos on your Google or better yet your Bing, you will find a dearth of choices. You may even get directed to this very blog which as I am typing this is kind of scary so I will not think about that right now. Not that there's anything wrong with it which hello is the whole point but you know. Creepy searches let me show you mine.
Third, this will create sustainable Green jobs. The Obamas would support it for a variety of reasons. Pineapples. Etc.
Fourth, this product will appeal to those who are a little squeamish about other more realistic toys, vegans, and those who support the environment = everyone.
Finally, tell me you wouldn't purchase a cute, safe, environmentally friendly synthetic (from recycled products) strand of baby carrots for anal play or a large butternut squash for your size queen friend?
Again, goldmine.
Happy Saturday!
ETA: I just thought of the catchline: Delivered Directly To Your Garden
1/03/2010
Wherein I break down my 2010 Facebook situation
While:
1) waiting to see whether I am hello the Fantasy Football league champ holla and
2) casting the awful/awesome Lifetime movie of this classique lesbian craigslist post
(aside)
2a)(Viv and I have come up with the following slash pairs, submit your own today: Margaret Cho/Dakota Fanning; Sandra Oh/Hayden Pannitiere; Jenny Shimizu/Taylor Swift; Ming Na//Leighton Meester; Lucy Liu/Natalie Portman; Yoko Ono/Lady Gaga),
3) I have taken the opportunity to do a qualitative analysis of my current Facebook friend situation; as a result I have
4) created a handy percentage pie chart for your viewing pleasure -
5) Thank you and good day!
1) waiting to see whether I am hello the Fantasy Football league champ holla and
2) casting the awful/awesome Lifetime movie of this classique lesbian craigslist post
(aside)
2a)(Viv and I have come up with the following slash pairs, submit your own today: Margaret Cho/Dakota Fanning; Sandra Oh/Hayden Pannitiere; Jenny Shimizu/Taylor Swift; Ming Na//Leighton Meester; Lucy Liu/Natalie Portman; Yoko Ono/Lady Gaga),
3) I have taken the opportunity to do a qualitative analysis of my current Facebook friend situation; as a result I have
4) created a handy percentage pie chart for your viewing pleasure -
5) Thank you and good day!
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