it's hard to take risks with a pessimist

Hey-lo..

For those keeping track, I have racked up nosebleed #3 tonight. Darling, the decandent 80's are finally coming back to haunt us!

Let's see, what else? You know, it's really hard to follow something like that; everything is sort of letdown after a good nosebleed discussion. How about the fact that I purchased my very own GPS unit so that I might travel about the region with semi-confidence? Miss Stevens, I must say, has already led me astray so I am not entirely ready to let it just ride. How about the fact that that lesbian halloween party was heavy on the halloween but light on the lesbians? I was misled! False advertising! It was a 60-40 strai/gay split, the same odds you'd find at a Home Depot on Saturday afternoon. Oh, speaking of strai, my friend A got some serious action this weekend and texted me with the following (not kidding): it hurts to walk. To which I say, FINALLY. Enough of the cry-babying.

I will be traveling next week for a brief work visit to the great state of Missouri. I had originally attempted to turn that trip into a long weekend to the neighboring state, but alas, flight prices are crazy right now so had to ditch that plan. Too bad, could def use a dose of home to get me through the next month or two. The week after that I'm headed out to California. Will say hey to LiLo for you. Holla! (does that ever get old? Never, I say)

I think I have exhausted all the possibilities, my work here is done.

I made you a present, you’ll never expect it - Menomena

no more birkenstocks

Dang, it's been raining here crazy for days, and the sun finally came out just now. I feel bad for the other side of the country to be sure. I am however glad that you can actually tell it's sorta fall which first of all, I like, and second, I am pretty much over the idea of summer. It lasted way too long in this Damn City. Since I've been back from the OC (ala) this week, I've been too busy at work to like even notice things like days/months/years. That whole time concept passed me by this week because it felt like the longest week in the longest year ever and (fingerquote) time (/fingerquote) became meaningless. Man. It was like the good old days of acid and mushrooms. Woodstock etc. Maybe not so much.

So this weekend I am going to attempt to get my life back in order (i.e., laundry/bills) and remember what it's like to relax, whatever that means (i.e., booze, vice). Unfortunately, part of the weekend is going to be spent doing a bit of work and also helping The Agent pack. You know how much I love packing, but thankfully for my sanity, I am not the one moving. She bought a house a bit north of here which is good; we can share custody of the dogs with minimal hassle. Heh. It's all good and the fact that she's taking a bunch of stuff makes what remains more manageable for me. Remember when I was bitching about the STUFF and THINGS and how oppressive that can be? I will have less to bitch about when I eventually move, right? Right. You know, though, it will be a bit of an adjustment, the whole official dissolution of a relationship. Dividing up stuff. It's been friendly and amicable and was primarily my idea, but this part of it, the impending finality of not living together, is kinda hitting me. It's not bad or good, it's just an adjustment. It's life. It's how this whole thing works sometimes.

So tonight I will be going with a friend of mine to a halloween party. What's scarier than a halloween party? A lesbian halloween party! The saving grace (maybe?) is that there was no mention of "potluck" and/or "bobbing for birkenstocks". You know how much I love halloween so I need not tell you how that I'm already planning on where I will be when that trick or treating thing happens. Answer: Not here.

That's it from The Crab. The more things change, the more they stay the same and that is all I have to say about that. Goodbye!

Hello Ocala! Holla!

Have you ever wondered what exactly there is in Ocala, FL? Prior to my arrival today, I can honestly say I had not. Frankly (and you know I love to be Frank..he's a character I created a few years ago, he used to be the town utility manager until he retired due to a rampant case of goiter - he's a portly fellow who walks bowlegged and wears a one of those workshirts that says Frank and for whom the thrill of his life was his brief, but intense affair with Mrs. C who lived across the street until her secret-to-no-one-in-town cleptomania suddenly became not-so-secret and Frank didn't want to lose his job - true story in the town I grew up in - his son Eric is now a town employee too and his stripper wife ran off with another man or so I found out at my high school reunion in June, but I digress), I had really no idea where Ocala was until I looked on a map yesterday. I flew into Tampa and I knew where that is, who doesn't. But now I am sitting in a hotel in Ocala post-work-meeting and wondering what exactly one might do if one lived in this town/city/how big is it? It is hot and the spanish moss is hanging from all the trees and it might be pretty if I were not near the interstate but really, who am I to judge a town/city's worth from a hotel off the interstate? I'm sure the people who live here are happy or sad or productive or not just trying to get along down here just like everyone else so why the heck am I hassling them, what have Ocalans ever done to me, I ask you? So holla from Ocala, stop by on your way from Tampa to Gainsville, there is a fruit stand that sells a bag of oranges for $1 and frankly (harumph), that is a bargain and I don't care who you are. Plus also, my most beloved aunt Ruby lives a mere 40 minutes south of here and with whom I stayed this weekend and played some cards and ate some red beans and rice and who, if I caught her out of the corner of my eye, looked exactly like my mom if she would have lived to 85. I have her hands too, age spots run in the family but that's ok, it's a link to the past here in the middle of Florida. I am off to have dinner and another meeting tomorrow, good times in the Sunshine state, peeps, good times.

ps. Hey you up north...you take care of yourself and stay off that knee..

200 bottles of beer on the wall..

So someone asked me today (paraphrasing): "Good lord, why aren't you drinking more?" And frankly, as I sit here taking a late lunch of a few leaves of lettuce, a couple of grapes, and a pineapple slice and about to read/review/extract info from the 7th of 9 100-page government proposals (of varying degrees of clarity/sophistication) in 4 days, I find myself asking the same exact question. Why am I not drinking more? In fact, why am I not drowning in a heroin-laced bathtub of pure tequila right now? Why am I not swimming in a pool of floating vicodins with vodka waves splashing against my face as I sip pure gin through a cocaine flavored straw? Good questions, valid questions, reasonable questions.

ps. I would also ask, if I had time to ask myself and the patience to answer my own questions and the stamina to listen to my response: how have I managed not to have one of those spectacular hair-pulling eye gouging meltdowns on the Metro that you read about in the Washington Post Express mini-paper (for the attention-deficit commuter who only looks at the pictures and does the suduko and that are so annoyingly hawked by chipper paper-handers in the morning at the station entrances and who manage to make saying "Good morning, have a nice day" feel like an obligation to acknowledge and respond in kind which, to be honest, I do not appreciate because I hate people now more than ever)?

aww yeah

Heya..so two things. First being that Grace Potter rocked hard and was fucking hot. Seriously, check her out live if you can. Few things I appreciate more than a gal who does music all sexy-like, guitar, drums, it all works for me. Were it not for the band's no-photo/video policy and a very observant staff member, I would be posting some blurry pix and a couple of videos. Alas/alak, I was forced to delete them all and retrieve my camera at the end of the show. Oh well, can't say I didn't try. We didn't stay for the main act, Govt Mule, who frankly, I don't know much about and didn't really care to stay and listen. Instead we went down to Chinatown and had a drink before calling it an early night. I'm glad I went and now that I know where the 930 club is, feel ok about going again, alone if need be. It's not in a bad section, mostly, but you know, it's like what Missy Elliot says Hatas' I flip the bird, Got guns, so what, I ain't scurred. Or something sim.

Second thing is that I finally got to watch my Chiefs on my regular tee-vee today. For some reason, they showed the KC-Cincy game here and I was one happy camper. Esp since they won and my football boyfriend Tony G was a man among boys. Yeah, for him, I'd consider life on the "D" list, knowwhatI'msaying? I kid, but seriously. I'd let my friend A have his child for me.

I think that's about it..this week is gonna be a bit crazy. Got a killer deadline in which to do a very tedious, time-consuming task that trust me, would burn your eyes out with bore. I have to go to Florida next week for work (woo, holla Tampa!) so a million things need to get done before then. Plus I got a bit more car-buying razamatazz to finish up with financing and this and that. However, let me just say, that when I said that my new ride was smooth, I was actually under-exaggerating. They say things like butter and a shave are smooth, but I am here to tell you that my new Honda Accord sees your smooth and raises you on up to SMOOOOVE, baby. Fine, I totally would have sex with my own car. There. You happy? It's true. And frankly, I happen to think you'd put out for my car too.

Smooth ride

Look at this guy who followed me home today. Like him? He's black, 1 year old, and only has 9k miles. Got a great deal on this Accord and he's a real smooth ride. Woo!




ps. So I talked my friend into going with me tonight to see Grace Potter..gonna take my camera and get some good shots. Excited? Heck I am!

I used to be a superhero

Well hello there, little buddy. How you doing? Fine fine, thanks. It's hump day and you know what that means, right? Aww yeah. That's right, ain't nothing like a Wed thang to get it going ON. Holla!

Right. So where was I?

Remember my new guitar girl crush that I developed like overnight? (See below) Well I'm in luck. Grace Potter et al is coming to Dumb City this weekend and yours truly is going to go come hell/high water. Remember when I was all complain-y about going to see Midlake alone? Well, I'm still not all that thrilled with the going to a show alone business, but I'm going to suck it up and grow a set of ovaries to replace the smaller set that I was born with and which will allow me to attend musical events alone and will also possibly give me other superpowers as yet to be determined. I'm really kind of pinning my hopes on invisibility and/or possibly the gift of tele-transportation. Since I've got the get-people-laid power, I figure it's ok to focus on my needs, you know?

Right. So where was I?

It is Wednesday, I am having a dab of wine (not from a box!), and honing my superpowers to conquer the world. I promise to be a benevolent and kind ruler and provide free beer to those who serve me well. Sign up today!

give me a taste of me not on my knees

Another video blog. What can I say, it's Saturday night and that's alright for fighting if you ask me.

1. Grace Potter = my new guitar girl crush, hello! Stop the Bus.



2. Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining



3. Sea Wolf - You're a Wolf



4. The Spinanes - LInes and Lines

hooray hooray

Update.

1. Car is totaled, I said my goodbye today. Alas poor yorrick, it was sad.

2. I have recovered from the hangover I had this morning. That final double Stoli and tonic was probably not the best idea. However, I did discover a surefire way to sleep on the Metro. Key: Having a full seat to yourself on which to lay horizontal.

3. Hey V, where did we ever come out on that poll re: corduroy? I bought two pair the other day and LOVE them. They fit like jeans and are v comfy. Faded brown and faded black. Seriously, where have corduroys been all my life?

4. Finished Harry Potter and must say that I was disappointed with the ending. It didn't feel right for some reason. It was riveting yes, but it just felt abrupt. Like I wanted better wrap-up (and I don't consider the epilogue to be sufficient). I don't know..may need to re-read the last couple of chapters again.

5. My strai friend A needs to get laid sometime this year so she will stop whining to me about it all the time. Seriously, how hard is it, she's cute and frankly, if you are a straight woman, hello, the options are almost endless. Granted, it is wise to be a bit discriminating but A limits her choices to a small sample: athletic black men in KS. There are like, two. She needs to expand that circle a bit if you ask me. ETA 2: Guess what!? I talked to A last night and she had apparently gotten some action the very night I posted this lament. I feel like maybe I had a hand in that a bit in some cosmic way, like I inspired a black athletic man in KC to proposition my friend and she followed through. Maybe I have the superpower of prophecy? Or the power to get people laid? Line forms to the left, no pushing please!

6. I have nothing left to say that has not been said before.

ETA: Oh and you must check out this HI-larious Amy Sedaris apperance on Martha Stewart. It's a winner. (ps. My favorite Amy-Martha moment was when they were on Letterman together and Amy taught Martha how to make grilled cheese "like they do in prison" (e.g., with an iron). It was quite ironic b/c like the next year, Martha was destined to put that skill to use. Pure comedy gold)

star of a film noir postcard

What have I even been doing these last few days? I have no idea. LIterally. You know how one day sorta blends into the next and pretty soon a week goes by and you're like, where am I/how did I get here/this is not my beautiful wife? I swear that's a good description of things on this end. I know I've had a cold for which I had to take an actual sick day off from work to lay on the couch and feel miserable. I hate sick days on which you are actually sick, it seems like such a waste of a day off. I know I have also been eating ice cream which first of all, I never do and second of all, I don't begrudge someone their ice cream but for me, it's a once a year type activity/give or take it, but yet here I am buying Ben and Jerry's Cutesy Name for Vanilla Ice Cream with Heath Bar Chunks and having a spoonful or five ever night. WTF? I am also experiencing an intense longing for my old workshop (as seen here in historical footage) and I would give anything to sand some wood. When you work all day in your head, sometimes you just want to get out a hammer and a nail like in that gay song. I would also like a pony and world peace, is that asking too damn much? Actually, what I would really like is for this headache to go away and for a Canadian to come to America with that wolf belt of hers and make me forget Dumb City for awhile. That is asking too much I think.

Other things: I have not had any update on my car. For all I know these shady Maryland car repair places have stripped it down and sold it for parts. My car is at some garage with the actual word Gay in the name so that tells you something right there. On the way home tonight, I saw not one but two wrecks on 95 within a half mile of each other. I tell you, it is deathtrap living here and one day when I don't post here for weeks, you can accurately surmise that it was 'my time to go" as they say. I will be the subject of one of those traffic reports on 103.5 WTOP news, weather and traffic on the 8's. And as I say, if the traffic doesn't kill you, the...

Metro will: I saw Brett Butler on the Orange line tonight. Or her younger, healthier Grace Under Fire version. I think she fell off the wagon? And sorta went to pot lately? Seems I saw a picture of her and was like, that's Brett Butler? Anyway. Rest easy tonight, her twin got off at Metro Center after a long day at Robotech and/or HHS and/or some lobbying firm or whatever.

ps. And speaking of falling off the wagon, my literary hero Miss Vivian Darkbloom has written a very lovely piece that I read today at work while pretending to work and I have to say, if it does not win Yaddo's prize for Best Story About A Beautiful Tortured Alcoholic, I don't know what will. Fingers crossed, sweetie. If/when she ever publicly makes it available, I shall duly link to it for the greater good.

We built on the river...