I am my own niche market

I have a couple of ideas I want to run by you. Please leave your honest feedback.

I have several iPhone application concepts, one of which is a guaranteed winner and am meeting with a developer today. Over beers. Trust me, you would purchase one for .99 cents and so will a million other people hence I will retire. I don't want to go into the details of that because I haven't yet trademarked it and holla, I don't give it away for free like a lady of the night. Actually, ladies of the night do not give it away free so wrong simile. Anyway, you know what I mean. Stay tuned on that.

However, I will share with you another one that may find a smaller audience. I'm planning on culling all of my sister's Facebook status updates to create a Random-Overshare-Of-The-Day application. Much like a daily horoscope app or an inspirational quote generator, this application (and/or daily email for those sans iphone) will deliver you a guaranteed painful overshare that will let you say "I'm glad I never post on FB while drunk". To give you a taste of what you are missing, here is a sample Random Overshare to whet your whistle. I should also say that each Overshare is unedited to preserve its spirit.

OH GRACIOUS!!! cant decide if my gas or the doggies gas is worse!!! okay..yes I can! Its the doggies...cuz mine smells like roses!!!hahahaha

Tell me you wouldn't pay 99 cents to receive gems like that every day? A goldmine I tell you.

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Quick question: Would you purchase a sex toy shaped like a vegetable? Say a squash or a cucumber or zucchini or carrot or I guess a strand of new potatoes strung together? The reason I ask and why I believe this to be a potential Good Idea is manyfold.

First, everyone has read tragic stories of people of all sexes using real live vegetables for such purposes - the integrity of the vegetable's structure is sometimes suspect and also X-rays of failed attempts will probably haunt your dreams/discourage perfectly normal sexual exploration and pleasure.

Second, if you search for synthetic vegetable dildos on your Google or better yet your Bing, you will find a dearth of choices. You may even get directed to this very blog which as I am typing this is kind of scary so I will not think about that right now. Not that there's anything wrong with it which hello is the whole point but you know. Creepy searches let me show you mine.

Third, this will create sustainable Green jobs. The Obamas would support it for a variety of reasons. Pineapples. Etc.

Fourth, this product will appeal to those who are a little squeamish about other more realistic toys, vegans, and those who support the environment = everyone.

Finally, tell me you wouldn't purchase a cute, safe, environmentally friendly synthetic (from recycled products) strand of baby carrots for anal play or a large butternut squash for your size queen friend?

Again, goldmine.

Happy Saturday!

ETA: I just thought of the catchline: Delivered Directly To Your Garden

Wherein I break down my 2010 Facebook situation

While:

1) waiting to see whether I am hello the Fantasy Football league champ holla and

2) casting the awful/awesome Lifetime movie of this classique lesbian craigslist post

(aside)

2a)(Viv and I have come up with the following slash pairs, submit your own today: Margaret Cho/Dakota Fanning; Sandra Oh/Hayden Pannitiere; Jenny Shimizu/Taylor Swift; Ming Na//Leighton Meester; Lucy Liu/Natalie Portman; Yoko Ono/Lady Gaga),

3) I have taken the opportunity to do a qualitative analysis of my current Facebook friend situation; as a result I have

4) created a handy percentage pie chart for your viewing pleasure -

5) Thank you and good day!

They've never shined so bright

Hello to you. Have you recovered from the blizzard that affected 2/3rds of the country but completely missed us with just a few rain showers? I want to be in the path of a blizzard again. Just FYI.

Let's see, what else? I think last time I posted I was in the grip of a bout of insouciance re: my fellow man, myself, and everyone I know. I am slowly pulling myself out of that by focusing on a tiny little light at the end of an east coast tunnel. Also scotch. We all have our coping mechanisms. I am hoping real soon to make something good happen.

(Hint: I *may* be called upon to service the ladies of Lilith Fair. Again. Yes, it's true - I was once the concubine on tour, being passed back and forth like a joint between Amy Ray and Natalie Merchant. Oh the sights I saw! So you can imagine my surprise to hear from the Canadian via parcel post. No, not that Canadian, the other one. You may have assumed Ms. McLachlan was busy raising babies and doing whatever else it is she does when not singing, but no. She has been ever steadfast in wooing me back on tour all this time. There is a reason it took 10 years for LF to happen again. I have a long memory and my experiences with Rickie Lee Jones haunt me to this day. After my class action suit on behalf of myself and several woodlawn animals was settled a few months ago, I felt ready to hit the road again. No artist would agree until I was placed firmly in the tour rider and so it came to pass. A new generation of young lesbians can now experience the wonders of unfettered estrogen that LF brings due to my generosity and/or many skills. No need to thank me, I know.)

I apologize for going on, it has been a long day of planning to quit my job and daydreaming about my life elsewhere. I also played a shitload of Texas Hold Em on my iPhone, if you must know. I am now in what could be called Senioritis wherein I have ceased to care about this thing they call "work" and this "job". I am counting the days! You shall be the first to know if it comes to pass or if I must place myself in front of the Metro!

Until then, here is a song that you will like:

Crocodile - This Town Needs Guns

Suddenly everything has changed

So July has basically happened. Here is a random list of things from this month:

1. I was on a shaky carny Bullet ride with an 11 year old boy who freaked out when we reached the top and screamed bloody murder to be let off. All of Akron heard his freak.

2. I caught an 8 inch rock bass in Big Long Lake and released it. Limit is 15 inches because clearly the lake is a size queen.

3. I drank shitty beer at a brewery in Jefferson City MO while a bunch of suburban middle-aged hipsters (such as) played in a bocce ball tourney and had cutesy/ironic shirts with team names like Rolling Balls of Thunder and Bocce-celli Girls.

4. I went to a Cubs/Nats baseball game. It was as boring as I remember baseball being. I'm instituting a 5 inning rule in the event that I am taken to any subsequent games. Five innings is just enough time to have a hotdog, a few beers, scope the crowd for hotties, and be done before the crowds leave and you are stuck at Navy Yard in a throng of people with no way out of the Metro and about to lose your mind.

5. Divorced Blackberry and am sleeping with iPhone. I like like it, but I'm not in love with it. Yet. So I'm kinda seeing them both and neither one knows.

6. I have discovered a new species of Evaluati Whinerous. As a member of that phylum, I understand the sentiment, but cannot abide by the insufferable kvetching of that genus. My patience has run thin so pull yourselves together and buck up!

7. My new Boos Block cutting board probably makes me happier than it should. I did not realize that they are made in Effingham IL, which as you all know, is home to one big-ass highway Jesus cross. I will not hold this against my cutting board however.

8. Here is a brief text exchange that occurred yesterday with my strai friend A:

A: I don't think you even want to know what i did last night

Me: You better just tell me because I'm probably the only one who won't judge.

A: Well there was no coke but...

A: Sad and lots of boobs.

Me: Did you go to a strip club?

A: Uh yes.

Me: That is sad. Who did you go with and where? Or more impt, why?

A: That's what I'd like to know. It was not fun.

The end.

let them eat cake

I'm totally going to be late for Good Time Island if I don't find this. Won't you please think of the children and search your couch and/or bed for the below item?

Promises: The musical!

Well the inevitable has happened: My Promises bunkmate Viv has been kicked out of Yaddo (again) for trying to sneak a Skidmore co-ed into her room after curfew (again). Apparently Patty Highsmith's detailed instructions about such activities are no longer legible on the gin-soaked napkin my dear friend keeps tucked in her bosom. Pity.

But Yaddo's loss is our gain! Yes, your friend and mine has chosen to summer this weekend in the District. With Lilo and Sam in NYC this weekend, V felt it best to escape the media circus that would have ensued upon her return -- it is a little known fact that Linds' infamous cokepants were in fact a pair of Vivvy's capris she had indiscreetly left behind in Sam's dj booth last year. Quel le scandal!

Our tour schedules have been so hectic, it's been quite impossible to coordinate brunch and such. So this visit should finally allow us to finish our much delayed screenplay Hoboken or Bust for the annual Promises Reunion Talent Show. [FYI, we are currently casting and are seeking a Charo - must love coochie (coos). Interested parties please send headshot and guitar demo. Thanks.]

So yes, I have prepared my literary hero her own writing studio complete with a brand new bottle of Stoli, candy gauloises, and a framed photograph of Anais Nin's bare bottom. That should do the trick. Wish us luck!

ETA/FYI: This pretty much defined our weekend.

ps. I stole the TV

I have a little something to share from a trip to my local Giant grocery store today. It matters not for the rest of this story, but I got some green and red peppers, two limes, a few apples, some cheese, milk, eggs, bread, and chicken was on sale .99 an lb! Anyway, as I said, that is not important. What is important is the fact that I always go through the self-checkout lane b/c I like to scan my own and also this store has a history of glacial-like slowness in its checkout personnel. Today's youth = in no hurry when it comes to scanning my spaghetti. But again, neither here/there.

Next to the self-checkout lane is a wall where they post notices and cards and whatnot. It is there that I found something interesting. I think you'll agree that it is for the best that I have a Blackberry now to take photos on the fly. Here is the wall and I have circled a card that caught my eye:



So while I was sacking up my granola bars and eggs, I thought to myself, I wonder who sends cards to a Giant grocery store and what would they say. Right? So I took a closer look. I guess Giant did something nice and got a thank you card. Aw:



And then I looked even more closely:



As best I can make out from the photo, I think the card basically says:

Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times.

Somewhere out there in this town, my soulmate exists.

hugs not drugs

Well hello. Clearly I have been attempting to just get through this holiday in this city by myself. Yes, poor orphan Annie me. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and being all sad (because, as Audrey once said, there's nothing worse than a sad lesbian - except a sad lesbian clown), I have elected to move through this holiday the old-fashioned way: booze. Nothing gets you through the day better than a dab of wine or beer or vodka or the bottle of Patron I splurged on. Lest you think this sad, let me just tell you that I've been having a HI-larious time. And truthfully, when I used to go home for Xmas, my sister and I were often drinking because seriously, who didn't/doesn't need to drink to get through the holidays? Surely it's not just me and everyone I know, right?

Anyway, point being: good times, good times. You can't spell dysphoria without dysfunction, am I right? I am. So thus, I am attempting to make it through until next weekend when I am headed back to sanity in the great midwest for a dose of my people and open spaces on New Years Eve. Yes Virgina, there is an end in sight soon enough. Until then, we do what we must.

Hope yours is a good one, whatever it might be.

accoutrements of democracy

To be honest, all this boring talk of work and travel and whatever else I write about is getting to me. Metro this, DC that. No one really cares, right? Instead, for just one damn post, I am going to talk about sex because this is America and we do that here. I talk all the time about my friend A and her sex life, but what about me and my needs? Seriously. I feel like I've let my friends from Iran down by not focusing on what's really important in this crazy fucked up world. Namely: nookie.

I'm a big fan, first off. Let's get that out of the way. Big fan, even bigger advocate, and frankly, an enthusiastic practioner. There are very few things I dislike about it. As long as it doesn't involve children, animals, snuff films, or the use of bodily waste products, I pretty much give a thumbs up. Some things do fall under the category of whatever-floats-your-boat-but-I'll-sit-this-ride-out-thanks such as things that scare me/not in a good way, furries, and pretending to be a baby who needs diapered. I'm also not so much into sticking a bunch of pins or needles in my/anyone else's body and I can't say I'd be up for trying to break any world records involving length/girth/quantity. That's just me.

So what floats my boat? I have made a handy list and I heartily recommend you at home make your own so that you can create your own consciousness raising moments on your next trip to Home Depot or the grocery store. Here are things or situations or personality types or physical attributes or whatnot that turn/turned me on in some way/shape/form and that have led to, would lead to, might be involved in some aspect of, or could be totally unrelated to sex with me.

ps. This is list not exhaustive and is subject to change. Also I am not currently drunk or drinking (despite my slow descent into alcoholism thanks to my anon lurker, hi!). No, I don't know what got into me. Maybe I'm just trying to spread a little democracy to Iran before we invade them too. Bring a little nippy fucky into their lives before its too late.

Enough talk/more action, in no particular order/rhyme/reason or related to any one person/place/thing, that which floats my boat:

1. I love power dynamics in bed and out of bed. Dominant/submissive, top/bottom, control/vulnerability, strength/weakness. The more subtle the cues, the better. I'm no fan of in your face theatrics or stereotypical power scenes. That stuff is too affected, too easy, too obvious. I want you or me to know who's in charge by the way your body moves or doesn't, by the way a word is said or how silence is used, or by what the look in your eyes. Throw in liberal use of the words please and thank you, please. Thanks.

2. Talking before/during/after sex. See above but also include descriptions of actions taken or to be taken, reactions to events, feelings regarding actions or events, and a soft endearment thrown in to throw things off. And be desperate when saying it or be demanding or coaxing or encouraging or out of control. Also words like fuck and god are never wrong. Also lots of other words that would be banned in Iran and possibly Iowa.

3. Accoutrements. I am someone who loves her tools, her camping gear, and her cookware. To me this is a no brainer. I am all about the functionality and feng shui. Use it or lose it.

4. Girls with guns. Sorry, it's a fetish, can't help it. Love it. NRA can suck it, but give that girl a gun. And hello, this pix of Starbuck? So many things right with that. (Win, here's a secret: this would also totally fall under #3 for me, write that story and we're gold).

5. This

6. Having sex or sex-like activities in public places that goes unnoticed by the public. I don't have any fantasies about being seen or being caught, I just really like the idea of having to hide what's going on while acting like nothing is happening when something is totally happening and all kinds of things are going on.

7. Fine, I like lacy silky undergarments, is that a crime?

8. Kneeling. Um

9. Hands in hair pushing someone's head down or being pushed down. Umm.

10. I wouldn't mind another threesome or more given the right mix of people. Ummm.

11. Scott Speedman, Jake G, Tony Gonzalez, and young John Cusack = boys I'd totally do.

12. Leaving visible marks on skin, perferably the back of the neck or the softest part of you. Wherever you choose.

13. I am thinking that really this is just kind of the tip of the iceberg and I am leaving out all kinds of other things that are more private even though posting this is probably a little too public for my normal preference for privacy but you know, there's way more to life than riding the damn Metro and going to work every day and guess what people generally like having sex me included and if you don't that's ok too but my point is here you go a post that I wouldn't normally write even though if you knew me, you'd know I have no problems discussing and/or having sex and hello, it's my favorite vice so why not sing its praises I say.

Can I get an Amen?

I make such a good statistic

Oh man. So you know, it's been about 10 years since I last went to an Ani Difranco show. In dog years, that's like how old someone's grandma might be. Now some people I know/love dislike her, saying her voice is too affected and schticky. Other people I know think she's too not cool old skool like the Indigo Girls or Janis Ian or Chris Williamson or the 1800's lesbicon equivalent, whoever that is. And finally other peeps I know still dig her like I do. I say whatever floats or does not float a boat. So tonight when I saw her and her current band (including a very good/cute girl drummer which, hello, who doesn't love a girl drummer, I know I'm completely and totally in love with a much better and much cuter girl drummer so I'm not one to throw a stone), I had myself a nice time.

She played in Baltimore (one more parenthetical and I'm done here, but let me just say that Baltimore will forever/always hold a special place in my heart) at the Meyerhoff Hall (ok, not quite done but man, the ushers there are some serious hardasses about picture taking..I didn't bring my camera luckily b/c they were swooping in and snatching ppl left/right for minor infractions..the friend I went with was afraid to text on her phone for fear of its little light being spotted and resulting in an escort out - watch your back at the Meyerhoff FYI). Now where was I?

Oh yes. Remember those dog years? At what point did Ani's target audience become old and straight? Did I miss the memo? Granted, I'm sporting some gray around the edges, but hello, it was not that long ago when an Ani show was like total young baby dykes and punk chicks and like, drugs and booze and stuff. Seriously, the crowd tonight was the same type of crowd I've seen at a taping of that NPR's show Whaddyaknow? You know? I could not get over it. Doesn't anyone smoke dope at an Ani show anymore? I saw a show of hers once in Atlanta at which the contact high I received made me question whether my face was melting. It was not. The most whacked out element of the show tonight was some drunk girl who tried to dance near the stage and who was whisked away by those ushers faster than she had a chance to even slur out Both Hands, I love you Ani, woo.

What is even my point anymore? I don't know. She played Firedoor and Dilate and If He Tries Anything which made this old fan happy enough. It don't take much, yo.

With that, I'm outta here. Flying across the country on Monday to Cal(i) where I am sure of two things: bikini - small; heels - tall. Hmm, I don't think so.

hooray hooray

Update.

1. Car is totaled, I said my goodbye today. Alas poor yorrick, it was sad.

2. I have recovered from the hangover I had this morning. That final double Stoli and tonic was probably not the best idea. However, I did discover a surefire way to sleep on the Metro. Key: Having a full seat to yourself on which to lay horizontal.

3. Hey V, where did we ever come out on that poll re: corduroy? I bought two pair the other day and LOVE them. They fit like jeans and are v comfy. Faded brown and faded black. Seriously, where have corduroys been all my life?

4. Finished Harry Potter and must say that I was disappointed with the ending. It didn't feel right for some reason. It was riveting yes, but it just felt abrupt. Like I wanted better wrap-up (and I don't consider the epilogue to be sufficient). I don't know..may need to re-read the last couple of chapters again.

5. My strai friend A needs to get laid sometime this year so she will stop whining to me about it all the time. Seriously, how hard is it, she's cute and frankly, if you are a straight woman, hello, the options are almost endless. Granted, it is wise to be a bit discriminating but A limits her choices to a small sample: athletic black men in KS. There are like, two. She needs to expand that circle a bit if you ask me. ETA 2: Guess what!? I talked to A last night and she had apparently gotten some action the very night I posted this lament. I feel like maybe I had a hand in that a bit in some cosmic way, like I inspired a black athletic man in KC to proposition my friend and she followed through. Maybe I have the superpower of prophecy? Or the power to get people laid? Line forms to the left, no pushing please!

6. I have nothing left to say that has not been said before.

ETA: Oh and you must check out this HI-larious Amy Sedaris apperance on Martha Stewart. It's a winner. (ps. My favorite Amy-Martha moment was when they were on Letterman together and Amy taught Martha how to make grilled cheese "like they do in prison" (e.g., with an iron). It was quite ironic b/c like the next year, Martha was destined to put that skill to use. Pure comedy gold)

Is that how they say hi in whoreville?

"I want a red dress. I want it flimsy and cheap." - Kim Addonizio

Hey, I'm back from Hoosierland and doing the bridesmaid thing. Originally, my plan called for being pretty much drunk 24/7 while I was there to cope/deal with the whole situation + extra stuff. Sadly, I was mostly sober and for that, I am dissappointed in myself. As a result, I was acutely aware of how drunk and/or crazy and/or drama-filled = my sister and her friends and what's left of my family.

I was also acutely aware of the whore red dress I had to wear. Hey, I don't begrudge someone a red dress, I just felt a bit out of my element. Remember when I thought it was dusty-rose like my old prom dress? Nope. I brought it back here b/c I think I can earn some serious cash on the DC corners in that thing. Whore-red should totally be (and probably is) the name of nail polish or lipstick or the dress of a stripper that I now own. There are pictures yes. I will not be sharing any of them except for one below and that is only to show you the color and the fact that I ditched the hooker shoes right after the ceremony for a pair of flipflops. Yeah, it was that kind of classy affair (ps. That hairy man-arm on the left is my brother who sat next to me at the bar and who tried to pick up the woman who did my sister's hair. And also any other woman there not married. To no avail.)

Confirming your worst fears about me

Hope your weekend was a good one. I start working for The Man tomorrow so alas, I will be a bit busier these days, which is good for a variety of reasons. I have some friends coming into town this week and man, I haven't even told you about going to my 20th high school reunion this coming weekend! Holla! Class of '87 represent!

Gotta run and actually get some sleep, but one last picture from the wedding reception which was held at the local Elks lodge. This one's for you, Ms. Snarker!

Meanwhile, back at the Popecave

Can anyone truly read/write/say Popemobile with a straight face? What with a security breach recently, that word is all over the media. I would like to suggest some potentially less ridiculous names for the vehicle the Pope rides around in when he does his Pope schtick. You with me on this?

The HolyRoller

Benedict's Buggy

Vehicle du Vicar

Big Daddy's Jeweled Jalopy

Bishop of Rome's Royal PimpScalade With 20" Rims Sittin' Crazy Low

Winnebago-Pope-A-Go-Go

Pontiff in a Handbasket

Star of P()rn

I swear I'm living a p()rnstar life with the kind of guys that keep coming through this house. Plumbers and repairmen and today, some "restoration" guy who is coming to "survey" my "damage" from the move. Seriously, it's a never ending stream of dudes making appointments to come to the house to do this and that. I think I could turn a pretty penny if I set up a hidden camera and answered the door in my sheer "nightie". Oh, hello, Mr. Restoration Man, I didn't know you would be arriving so soon, you'll pardon my nubile and willing body, won't you? Oh, you've dropped your hammer, shall I get that for you? Cheesy dialogue? Check. Unattractive male actors? Check. Hot sex machine me? Oh yeah. There is cash to be made, ladies, and I could tap into that market. Get it, "tap" that "market"? Good lord, stop me now.

The only problem, of course, is that whole actual having sex business (and it is a business!) I have no problem with having it (love it in fact, hello!) and encouraging others to do likewise. I just reserve the right to pick and choose and so far, um, as Win would say: I must pass. Now where's old Candance the Carpenter when you need her, I ask?

Why am I even having this conversation? Who am I and what am I doing here?

Aside: Do you like how I disguise that p-word up above to keep out freaky folks from finding this site and yet (and this is completely true) someone from Iran googled the phrase 'nippy fucky' recently and found my blog so what can you do? I'm not kidding either. Sorta makes me afraid of what I've written here. Of course, this post is not helping in any way/shape/form.

And with that, I bid you a nippy fucky good day!

Your Guide to Gay-Straight Girlfriendship

Ok, so I've mentioned my friend A here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and if you were lucky and quick enough, here. What I failed to mention is that she is my straight girlfriend and I am her gay girlfriend. Our relationship is completely platonic, completely codependent, and we both bitch about how each of us never put out for the other. Do you have a straight girlfriend too? Is she impossibly femme and you less inclined to purchase matching bra/panty sets (but appreciative of said sets nonetheless)? Do you bicker like an old married couple? Does she date only athletic black men and do you have your own girlfriend at home? If so, you have a straight girlfriend and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

One of the reasons my friend A is all sobby these days is because she believes that she will never be able to replace me as her gay girlfriend when I leave. Which is very true. I don't like to toot my own horn (much!) but I do not think she will find another gay woman who will put up with her shit like I do. Straight girls (god love 'em) are HIGH maintenance and my friend A in particular, puts the HI into HIGH. So, our goal for the next two months is to find her a gay girlfriend. Pickins' are slim around here so I have a feeling she will be without the practical skills I brought into the relationship. I worry. So I've put together a little checklist of abilities and qualities I am looking for in my replacement. Putting it out here on the internets in advance of my departure is just the kind of forward-thinking we're looking for in a gay girlfriend. These are just suggestions and some are very A-specific, but can also be used as a guide for others looking to replace themselves in a gay-straight platonic girlfriendship should the need arise.

A Gay Girl's Guide to Being Your Straight Friend's Gay Girlfriend

1. Be willing and able to discuss the finer points of heterosexualPIV sex. This includes having no problem discussing size and quality of male appendages (all three parts of it, it's a set). However, feel free to make variations of the following remarks when appropriate: "Well, as you know, my girlfriend and I never have that problem..." or "Hmmm, most women I've been with are actually quite good at that.." or "Wow. Yeah. That is exactly why I love pussy instead. Good luck!".

2. Be willing to discuss the following purchases in great detail: clothes, underwear, dishware, shoes - seriously, lots of shoes, jewelry, anything. If asked an opinion regarding any purchase or potential purchase, be decisive and stick with it. No wishy-washiness on potential choices, this only breeds indecision and thus, expends a great deal of time re-evaluating the purchase or potential purchase. You are there to be The Decider so decide!

3. Cock-block and obfuscate potential skeevy dudes from hitting on your straight girlfriend. While your goal is to help her get laid and thus, stop her from whining about how she's not getting laid every time you see her, you must be choosy about whom she whores around with or that will become an endless point of subsequent processing and discussion. Pretend to be the pissed off girlfriend whose girlfriend is getting hit on by a guy. If that fails, feel free to pull guy aside and mention friend's recurring case of The Itch and Burn. You are not besmirching her reputation - drastic times call for drastic measures. She will understand the next day when you don't tell her.

4. Agree that saying the word "jizz" outloud never gets old.

5. In fact, develop a business plan around marketing jizz-related items on the internet because who doesn't love a little jizz? Oh right, the lesbians, but fuck them, they're not our market anyway. Cum Queen on a t-shirt? You bet! Pearl necklaces? Big sellers!

6. Be an active participant in the repetition and creation of new phrases and words. Boozebian (straight girl until drunk, then gay for the night!); Strai (reclaiming the word "gay" from the phrase "That is so gay" and replacing it with a shortened version of "straight"..now it's something that's gayer than gay, it's strai!); and current favorite saying on heavy rotation: I don't even know you anymore.

7. Do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances sleep with your straight girlfriend. This defeats the entire purpose, for god's sake.

8. However, do acknowledge, when pressed by her (because she will ask), that your straight girlfriend is hot and sure, if you had to sleep with her, fine, you would consider it but you are not going to do it no matter how much booze is involved and/or how nice her rack is or any other reason she may throw out there.

9. Deal with emotional outbursts and sobs by trying not to say outloud "I get this shit enough from my girlfriend!" This will only exacerbate the problem.

10. Together, devise an elaborate plan to get straight friend impregnated by a star athlete or by pimping her out to lonely old rich men with dream of living in the style of which you've become accustomed. Be only half-joking.

11. Receive and send text messages all hours day/night with such gems as "Stop bothering me", "What do you want?", "I am too busy for this", "You are so strai", "Fine", "Fine", "Goodbye".

12. Be willing to accept that your relationship will look and sound odd to outsiders who will not understand the complexity of gay-straight girlfriendship. This isn't a lifestyle choice, this is a career and hobby. Did people give Will and Grace this kind of shit? I think not, so tell them to step back.

13. Your necessary mantra: patience, patience, patience.


ETA 14. You must be able and willing to answer any/all email sent during the day, like the one you just received from said girlfriend about some phone call she got last night:

the woman answered, said she was with this service that basically
would say whatever the impaired person said, blah, blah...then she
said, "I saw your name on a bathroom wall and it said to call for a
good time..." I was like WHAT THE H*LL?!?!?! I guess she must have
typed that because then she said something about "blah, blah, ass..."
or something like that. I had the phone away from my ear. I then said
i don't won't to talk to this person, asked her what was going on,
and she said, "D-O-N-G...do you want it?" I hung up. She read it in
this dead-pan voice. It really freaked me out. Oh, and at the
beginning, I asked who it was...she said she didn't know and couldn't
tell me.

ETA 15. Decide to use DONG more and often.

I Like You!

Nothing cheers me up more than this gift, given to me by The Agent. Good times!

She likes the pole and the hole!

Stoli, hold the tonic and limes

Oh man, too many vodka tonics last night - that's all I have to say about that. Who does that on a Wed? A friend's dad is in town so we did some grilling and such. And I found myself in front of the stereo playing dj which I'm wont to do late at night after a few beverages. Good times. Chalk it up to training for my Seattle trip by staying up until 2am. Nice.

I've got an early flight tomorrow and I don't even need to tell you that I'm going to be napping later this afternoon. Gotta get my shit together before then though b/c tonight it's all about KT Tunstall. (Of relevance to no one but myself, when I first heard her, I totally thought she was like this 18 year old singer from Australia. Then my friend J was like, um, yeah, she's 31..and from Scotland). I think I was getting her mixed up with Joss Stone (though I have no idea where she's from). Annnyywayy, yeah, so the show tonight should be great - it's raining cats/dogs now and there are supposed to be storms all day/night. Not that it matters since it's inside, but I melt when doused with water (that's how we witches roll).

I'm going with aforementioned friends and when they got tix, I didn't even think to ask The Agent if she wanted to go b/c our music tastes are 180 diff (need I mention the whole Anne Murray thing again?). So last week, she's like 'what's on tap for next week?' and I mentioned the show and she goes 'wait, that chick with the horse and cherry tree?' Yeah, so she kinda wanted to go, oops. But I suspect she's glad she isn't going b/c right now, she's down state at firearms practice and getting rained on. She will be in no mood for anything tonight when she gets home that doesn't involve a warm quiet situation. She always comes back from these things all bruised and cut up from having to shoot every gun in their arsenal. She had a bruise on her shoulder for a week from the shotgun alone. Poor thing.

Enough of Chatty Cathy, I'm going to have a little lunch and rustle up some tylenol-type things -- I blame the tonic and limes if you must know the truth. I'll be unable to pass any digital information along all those internet tubes and wires until I return, but I will be taking pix during my trip and will post the naked ones when I return. Yeah, I've got your Mt Rainier right here, baby. Later.


ps. Confidential to Vivvy: Did you receive my monkey? I made it say funny funny things for you, sweetie. Just like the old days when we took our monkey on the road...and you insisted we name it Tequila Mockingbird after that old drag queen who used to hook you up with poppers and wigs. Remember, darling? Good times, good times..

Drawing a Blank

Sorry, been way too busy (I haven't even had a chance to post about my trip to NYC and tell stories of p@rn shoping with the Mrs). We're putting our house on the market so it's been two weeks of cleaning/packing/painting/garage sale/goodwill activity. Will post some pix of my trip another time. But I did have to share the good news: Strangers with Candy due out in June/July..finally!

It's as moist as a snack cake down there!

In Amy Sedaris news from kittenpangs.org:

"PUBERTY PALS

Today we bring you a sneak preview of the upcoming Kittenpants-produced feature film, PUBERTY: THE MOVIE. The movie stars Joe Lo Truglio, Caitlin Miller, Todd Barry, David Wain, Jon Benjamin, Eugene Mirman, Corn Mo, and Amy Sedaris, as the voice of a talking penis.

Click Here to watch "The Puberty Pals" from PUBERTY: THE MOVIE"

The pole and the hole

Due out in the fall:


Jerri!