accoutrements of democracy

To be honest, all this boring talk of work and travel and whatever else I write about is getting to me. Metro this, DC that. No one really cares, right? Instead, for just one damn post, I am going to talk about sex because this is America and we do that here. I talk all the time about my friend A and her sex life, but what about me and my needs? Seriously. I feel like I've let my friends from Iran down by not focusing on what's really important in this crazy fucked up world. Namely: nookie.

I'm a big fan, first off. Let's get that out of the way. Big fan, even bigger advocate, and frankly, an enthusiastic practioner. There are very few things I dislike about it. As long as it doesn't involve children, animals, snuff films, or the use of bodily waste products, I pretty much give a thumbs up. Some things do fall under the category of whatever-floats-your-boat-but-I'll-sit-this-ride-out-thanks such as things that scare me/not in a good way, furries, and pretending to be a baby who needs diapered. I'm also not so much into sticking a bunch of pins or needles in my/anyone else's body and I can't say I'd be up for trying to break any world records involving length/girth/quantity. That's just me.

So what floats my boat? I have made a handy list and I heartily recommend you at home make your own so that you can create your own consciousness raising moments on your next trip to Home Depot or the grocery store. Here are things or situations or personality types or physical attributes or whatnot that turn/turned me on in some way/shape/form and that have led to, would lead to, might be involved in some aspect of, or could be totally unrelated to sex with me.

ps. This is list not exhaustive and is subject to change. Also I am not currently drunk or drinking (despite my slow descent into alcoholism thanks to my anon lurker, hi!). No, I don't know what got into me. Maybe I'm just trying to spread a little democracy to Iran before we invade them too. Bring a little nippy fucky into their lives before its too late.

Enough talk/more action, in no particular order/rhyme/reason or related to any one person/place/thing, that which floats my boat:

1. I love power dynamics in bed and out of bed. Dominant/submissive, top/bottom, control/vulnerability, strength/weakness. The more subtle the cues, the better. I'm no fan of in your face theatrics or stereotypical power scenes. That stuff is too affected, too easy, too obvious. I want you or me to know who's in charge by the way your body moves or doesn't, by the way a word is said or how silence is used, or by what the look in your eyes. Throw in liberal use of the words please and thank you, please. Thanks.

2. Talking before/during/after sex. See above but also include descriptions of actions taken or to be taken, reactions to events, feelings regarding actions or events, and a soft endearment thrown in to throw things off. And be desperate when saying it or be demanding or coaxing or encouraging or out of control. Also words like fuck and god are never wrong. Also lots of other words that would be banned in Iran and possibly Iowa.

3. Accoutrements. I am someone who loves her tools, her camping gear, and her cookware. To me this is a no brainer. I am all about the functionality and feng shui. Use it or lose it.

4. Girls with guns. Sorry, it's a fetish, can't help it. Love it. NRA can suck it, but give that girl a gun. And hello, this pix of Starbuck? So many things right with that. (Win, here's a secret: this would also totally fall under #3 for me, write that story and we're gold).

5. This

6. Having sex or sex-like activities in public places that goes unnoticed by the public. I don't have any fantasies about being seen or being caught, I just really like the idea of having to hide what's going on while acting like nothing is happening when something is totally happening and all kinds of things are going on.

7. Fine, I like lacy silky undergarments, is that a crime?

8. Kneeling. Um

9. Hands in hair pushing someone's head down or being pushed down. Umm.

10. I wouldn't mind another threesome or more given the right mix of people. Ummm.

11. Scott Speedman, Jake G, Tony Gonzalez, and young John Cusack = boys I'd totally do.

12. Leaving visible marks on skin, perferably the back of the neck or the softest part of you. Wherever you choose.

13. I am thinking that really this is just kind of the tip of the iceberg and I am leaving out all kinds of other things that are more private even though posting this is probably a little too public for my normal preference for privacy but you know, there's way more to life than riding the damn Metro and going to work every day and guess what people generally like having sex me included and if you don't that's ok too but my point is here you go a post that I wouldn't normally write even though if you knew me, you'd know I have no problems discussing and/or having sex and hello, it's my favorite vice so why not sing its praises I say.

Can I get an Amen?

I make such a good statistic

Oh man. So you know, it's been about 10 years since I last went to an Ani Difranco show. In dog years, that's like how old someone's grandma might be. Now some people I know/love dislike her, saying her voice is too affected and schticky. Other people I know think she's too not cool old skool like the Indigo Girls or Janis Ian or Chris Williamson or the 1800's lesbicon equivalent, whoever that is. And finally other peeps I know still dig her like I do. I say whatever floats or does not float a boat. So tonight when I saw her and her current band (including a very good/cute girl drummer which, hello, who doesn't love a girl drummer, I know I'm completely and totally in love with a much better and much cuter girl drummer so I'm not one to throw a stone), I had myself a nice time.

She played in Baltimore (one more parenthetical and I'm done here, but let me just say that Baltimore will forever/always hold a special place in my heart) at the Meyerhoff Hall (ok, not quite done but man, the ushers there are some serious hardasses about picture taking..I didn't bring my camera luckily b/c they were swooping in and snatching ppl left/right for minor infractions..the friend I went with was afraid to text on her phone for fear of its little light being spotted and resulting in an escort out - watch your back at the Meyerhoff FYI). Now where was I?

Oh yes. Remember those dog years? At what point did Ani's target audience become old and straight? Did I miss the memo? Granted, I'm sporting some gray around the edges, but hello, it was not that long ago when an Ani show was like total young baby dykes and punk chicks and like, drugs and booze and stuff. Seriously, the crowd tonight was the same type of crowd I've seen at a taping of that NPR's show Whaddyaknow? You know? I could not get over it. Doesn't anyone smoke dope at an Ani show anymore? I saw a show of hers once in Atlanta at which the contact high I received made me question whether my face was melting. It was not. The most whacked out element of the show tonight was some drunk girl who tried to dance near the stage and who was whisked away by those ushers faster than she had a chance to even slur out Both Hands, I love you Ani, woo.

What is even my point anymore? I don't know. She played Firedoor and Dilate and If He Tries Anything which made this old fan happy enough. It don't take much, yo.

With that, I'm outta here. Flying across the country on Monday to Cal(i) where I am sure of two things: bikini - small; heels - tall. Hmm, I don't think so.

sweet home chicago

Ah Chicago..who doesn't love this city? So I'm here for work, getting ready for a bunch of day long meetings. I considered liveblogging it for you, you know like how Wonkette et al liveblog shit like senate hearings and whatever. However, dang it, I forgot to create an acronym glossary for you all and well, really, if you can't have easy access to what PBC means, then that ruins all the fun. Because quite honestly, there is nothing in this world that contains more entertainment value than PBC. Seriously. It is going to be RIVETING! and I'm sorry you all can't share that with me. I will, however, post periodic updates about this and that while I'm here. You will be at the edge of your seat.

Instead, you can share the awesome view I have from the 13th floor of this swanky fancy hotel. The room alone was worth the trip. Take a look out that window...can you see all those people down there, the horizon? It's nice, isn't it? Wish you were here.

Top Ten Things That Currently Occupy a Positive Place in My Thoughts

So, in honor of Win's 1 year anniversary and because I am trying to focus on good things right now, here is my top ten list of things I currently am inclined to think of positively:

10. Macadamia nuts

They are tasty and rich and the texture is divine. I'm a fan of nuts and I like turning other people on to them. So I say: Go bust a nut with Macadamias!

9. Wine in a box!

Advantages: Cost efficient/cheap, seemingly endless, doesn't spoil (at least I think), easy-pour spout made just for one's mouth if things come down to that. Disadvantages: None. Winner: Wine in a box!

8. Little People, Big World

For some reason, TLC is playing a constant stream of this charming documentary/series and can I admit something to you? I really, really totally would love to live on their pumpkin farm. That is all.

7. Bandanas

Back in the day and, you know, if I were a gay man, I'd probably wear, like, a grey bandana in my left pocket or something. Now I wear bandanas on my head because my hair is longer and gets in the way of important things. Like seeing. Or eating. So yeah, bandanas come in handy. Do you like my red one?

6. The View

So, one of the rooms in this house is small and faces the back. I set up my office there and have a desk right in front of the window. The view from that window is really nice, big tall trees and eventually, I won't be able to see the houses behind that area. It's jungle-like and the other day, I counted no less than 15 large hawk-type birds roosting way up, hanging out. The view makes me forget where I am.

5. Text messages

How did we ever survive without them? How did I ever survie without them? All I can say is thank fucking god for texts.

4. GPS units

We have one on loan from the Gov and let me tell you, I would have never made it into/out of Adams Morgan without it. However, we (and by we, I mean me) find the voice to be too naggy and bossy. I will turn left if I damn well want. I also appreciate that every Starbucks in a 100 mile radius is mapped for my mocha pleasure (I've been trying to cut down, but I am only human). I am not entirely sure that the Gov isn't tracking our every movement, but fine, yes, that was me on my way to buy crack and ho's. Sue me, Uncle Sam. Point being: GPS units are scary/great.

3. Accents

I have always been a fan of accents when someone speaks. I am a bigger fan now. There are lots of them out this way, different, new, all kinds. It makes talking to people that much better. Accents are tout a fait delicieux!

2. Baltimore Basilica

I'm not religious, but can I tell you something? This is actually quite beautiful. I imagine it was busy on Easter Sunday, the first since it was restored. I wonder if those people enjoyed how lovely it must have been.

1. Words

Again, always been a big fan, but you know, words = good. Occasionally, I am at a loss for them. Yes, it's true. I am going to try to find the right ones, the positive ones, for awhile. I've been too negative and closed for a while, so it's time to change the frame. So here are some words I like right now either because of how they sound or what they mean: ersatz, croissant, please, crocus, lascivious, pasta, thistle, hydrate, yes, spring.

Thoughts on The Nature of The Human Condition (or Why I Stopped Being a Crybaby and Learned To Love The Season)

Yes, so with all the trees abloom and the flowers flowering and you know, spring springing, my thoughts, like yours, inevitably turn to sex. Now I would love to write a pithy commentary on the virtues and vices of wanton lust. I may or may not have, in the distant and not so distant past, written fictional accounts of such prurient activities. I could certainly try my hand at a poem about the female form (e.g., "O' delicate curves a-dangling/ripe fruit for the plucking/Hark!/is.it.too.crude.to.say/Soon!/we will be a-fucking?") -- thank your retinas that I shall not engage in such lyrical activities. I once did a spoken word piece (on the glory of genitalia) wherein I had an acoustic guitar and simply strummed G-chord in hopes of enticing a response from G-spot. I actually wish I was kidding about the spoken word part (though I am embellishing the subject, it was actually about my 7th grade papier mache art project..actually not kidding). I should also mention that the personal is the political and it is politically and personally unwise of me to delve any further into my own proclivities and activities. Discretion and such. (This is where viv and the Mrs go 'Yeah, right..why did we ever encourage her to drunk dial us? Discretion my ass'). But allow me the liberty to reflect upon one of the finer points and pleasures of the human condition, please. Here is where I will simply say that I appreciate and celebrate (with no amount of playa-hate) the inevitable fact that trees will bloom and flowers will flower and spring will soon be sprung? It's good to be alive, is it not?

Or, in the recently texted words of my friend A: "Stop bawl-babying about this and that, spring is 'do whatever you want' season so quit being such gay crybaby and whore it up. Goodbye."

Indeed, my friend, indeed.

Cleveland Rocks!

Ah yes, so my time in the Hoosier state has run its course. I drank shitty beer and pokered and second-hand smoked and cussed and ate fried food and visited peeps enough. It is time to go. I have had a few moments of feeling the emptiness of this place, but luckily it has been fleeting. I drove to my old small town and went by Mom's old house three times while I've been in town. Those are the times I remember that this state holds too many memories sometimes. It's ok though, most memories are good and I'm learning to let the most recent and sharpest ones fade a little. It's still tough to drive by the accident site, but you know, it gets a little less painful each time. For that, I'm thankful. Small blessings laid upon us...

So tomorrow I am making my way over to Cleveland. It's a shortish drive so it won't be bad. I'll be visiting my friend M from grad school and her fam. I cannot tell you how much wine will be consumed, but trust me, we kept many a vineyard in business back in the day (we also kept several other vice-makers in business as well -- this lead to a rather complicated yet complete theory of how "time" was really, like, a "circular tube" we all traveled around and like, a "deja-vu" was when you took the same path in that tube and met yourself where the "past" and "future" and "present" all intersected. Yeah...you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway. Yes). Plus, she's got a hottub as I have mentioned and you have no idea how there I am with that whole idea. Coincidentally, this will be the second year in a row I will be spending St. Patricks day with them. Last year was up in Portland OR before they moved which was very fun and during which beverages were consumed and it is possible that I might have done a jig of sorts. Like River Dance. Because I am limber. So yes, Cleveland will be a good time and then off to The Crab next week.

Even with all this Midwestern business, I have been thinking about Baltimore. I believe we'll be closer to there than DC, but again, it's all who knows out east. Maps are of no help, you have to figure out the distances with your own body, you know? So I'm wrapping my head around actually being there as opposed to the abstract concept of "moving there". I once mentioned that the only things I know about Baltimore are what I learned from John Waters. I think I'm going to have to rewrite that script a little bit. I have a few ideas in mind..

Ok, that's it for a while. I don't think I'll have the same kind of internet access from here until The Crab so peace out to my homies on the eastside and down south. This is how we roll here in the I to the N to the D. LLYAS! TTYL! Stay cool!