My day

Things I did today in chronological order:

1. Woken up by a text message (content: "slow moving this morning. going down to do animals then need to open hoop house. where are u?"; my response: "I just woke up so don't hurry")
2. Walked dogs one block north, three blocks east, one block south, three blocks west
3. Took a shower
4. Farmer arrived
5. Put on coffee
5. Diet Pepsi
6. Read the Sunday KC Star - all sections
7. Imported a million CDs so I could get rid of them*
8. Unpacked 8-10 boxes, sorted, organized, assembled shelving, finally found three things I had been looking for since February 2010 = 1. my umbrella, 2. the cord to connect my digital camera, 3. my favorite pocketknife.
9. Checked my Fantasy Football score (currently up 95-90 but not looking good)*
10. Dogs out/dogs in/dogs out/dogs in*
11. Warmed up a cup of soup
12. Tended to sick Farmer*
13. Semi-nap on couch for 15 minutes
14. Chiefs game watching hello
15. Took gatorade and Emergent C over to my sick strai friend A who also had flu**
16. Wrote a short evaluation for a sustainable agriculture grant
17. Watched more football
18. Got tangled in blanket from couch while standing and fell on hardwood floor, felt as if possibly cracked my kneecap off my leg or something sim (scorecard for those keeping track: 3 semi-serious falls in 2010 resulting in varying degrees of injury from broken foot to cracked assbone to kneecap fuck)
19. Found last remaining Lortab!
20. Sudden burst of energy = load of laundry, carrying out recycled boxes and trash, writing an entire blogpost about my day in chronological order up until this very moment the end.


* denotes multiple occurrences/ongoing activity
** revision of prevailing thought on my own diagnosis from flu to food poisoning back to flu

Holiday Tip #24

For a cost-efficient and easy way to lose weight during the holiday season, try getting food poisoning from your favorite eating/beverage establishment two days prior to the big event (e.g., Thanksgiving, Festivus, etc). This tried and true method ensures you won't gain a single pound regardless of how many tempting treats surround you. As a bonus side-effect, you will also lose the will/ability to drink alcoholic beverages, thus decreasing your caloric intake even more. 100% effective and "natural" - it's Mother Nature's Master Cleanse!

I am my own niche market

I have a couple of ideas I want to run by you. Please leave your honest feedback.

I have several iPhone application concepts, one of which is a guaranteed winner and am meeting with a developer today. Over beers. Trust me, you would purchase one for .99 cents and so will a million other people hence I will retire. I don't want to go into the details of that because I haven't yet trademarked it and holla, I don't give it away for free like a lady of the night. Actually, ladies of the night do not give it away free so wrong simile. Anyway, you know what I mean. Stay tuned on that.

However, I will share with you another one that may find a smaller audience. I'm planning on culling all of my sister's Facebook status updates to create a Random-Overshare-Of-The-Day application. Much like a daily horoscope app or an inspirational quote generator, this application (and/or daily email for those sans iphone) will deliver you a guaranteed painful overshare that will let you say "I'm glad I never post on FB while drunk". To give you a taste of what you are missing, here is a sample Random Overshare to whet your whistle. I should also say that each Overshare is unedited to preserve its spirit.

OH GRACIOUS!!! cant decide if my gas or the doggies gas is worse!!! okay..yes I can! Its the doggies...cuz mine smells like roses!!!hahahaha

Tell me you wouldn't pay 99 cents to receive gems like that every day? A goldmine I tell you.

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Quick question: Would you purchase a sex toy shaped like a vegetable? Say a squash or a cucumber or zucchini or carrot or I guess a strand of new potatoes strung together? The reason I ask and why I believe this to be a potential Good Idea is manyfold.

First, everyone has read tragic stories of people of all sexes using real live vegetables for such purposes - the integrity of the vegetable's structure is sometimes suspect and also X-rays of failed attempts will probably haunt your dreams/discourage perfectly normal sexual exploration and pleasure.

Second, if you search for synthetic vegetable dildos on your Google or better yet your Bing, you will find a dearth of choices. You may even get directed to this very blog which as I am typing this is kind of scary so I will not think about that right now. Not that there's anything wrong with it which hello is the whole point but you know. Creepy searches let me show you mine.

Third, this will create sustainable Green jobs. The Obamas would support it for a variety of reasons. Pineapples. Etc.

Fourth, this product will appeal to those who are a little squeamish about other more realistic toys, vegans, and those who support the environment = everyone.

Finally, tell me you wouldn't purchase a cute, safe, environmentally friendly synthetic (from recycled products) strand of baby carrots for anal play or a large butternut squash for your size queen friend?

Again, goldmine.

Happy Saturday!

ETA: I just thought of the catchline: Delivered Directly To Your Garden

Who wants cake?

While I'm thinking about it and waiting for our epic snowstorm, here are a few things I wish someone would invent and/also some random observations I made while serving time in prison. In no particular order:

1. Is there a way to block getting your Facebook friends' incessant updates on their Farmville progress in your newsfeed? If I have to read about another friend finding a lonely lost calf wandering in their field, I will defriend post haste. Invent this ASAP or give me the dets of how to STOP THE FARMVILLE MADNESS. Thank you. (ETA: I found the secret to hiding the fuck out of this application on FB just now. My fool friends are lucky)

2. I also want a new iPhone app and Tweetdeck modification that will allow me to follow these damn lists I have created because Twitter offered that handy option. I need this on my mobile situation so I don't have to go to the Twitter page to follow a list because hello how else am I going to follow the #eastcoaststormofthecentury at work/metro/in bed? Make this happen someone.

3. Could I please get a volunteer to go upstairs and tell my neighbor that her footfalls make her sound fat? Is that mean? Yes, yes it is but after 6 months of hearing her insist upon walking around in her own apt, I think it is warranted. I never claimed to be kind.

4. I recently came out. Like tonight. Yes I Am Finding Kristen Stewart Hot These Days Sue Me. I care not about her actressy skills or the fact that she is half my age. *cough* Have you seen the trailer for Runaways? I rest my case and also never claimed not to have a thing for bad girls. Fine whatever.

5. I suppose no one cares that I am in the playoffs for my fantasy football league but me. Don't come calling when I win that 150 bucks. Now I ain't saying you a gold digger...

My final thought for the evening is this: Lady GaGa - fan of ugly, things that are free, drama, designing criminals, horror/psycho, fashion, and vertical sticks. Oh and also love + romance, esp of the bad variety.

ETA: Snow pictures from this morning. Prob 10" at this point and still coming down.





ETA #2: Dogs in snow

My Magic Hat = awesome

Hi friends and neighbors! First off:



I'll tell you what! I have found the answer to your prayers.

Let me ask you these few simple questions:

1. Have you had a headache that has lasted for 7+ days, give/take a few?

2. Has the economy/foreclosures/unemployment/TAINTED PEANUTS! brought you down?

3. Have you been attacked by a chimp high on Xanax and green tea lately?

4. Are your Habs on a 10 game losing streak?

5. Has TAFKAP ever told U 2 act your age, mama, not your shoe size?

If you have answered yes to any of the following, I have found the exact thing that will make everything all better! Behold:



Yes, it's a Magic Hat hat! I put this sucker on today because it was chilly/rainy/cold, and I have to tell you, all my cares melted away and frankly, I felt no pain. It's magic! Plus also reversible!



Now, I'm not really a believer in magical thinking, but I have to say, my headache has gone away as a direct result of wearing this hat. AND I have not had my face chewed off by a chimp! That, my friends is proof positive. I rest my case. My job here is done. Make of this what you will. Goodnight!

Foiled again

The Weather Channel is personally mocking me on their weather blog today:


2:52 pm ET
Pretty weak in terms of snowfall: If you like snow and you live in New York City, Philly, Baltimore, or D.C., then you are not a very happy person. Check out the graphic below and you'll see what we mean:



If you talk to person from Syracuse they would probably point and laugh at the lousy snowfall numbers above. Syracuse has had 93.2 inches of snow since December 1 and already nearly 3 feet of snow in January alone.

So if there is a lot of local media hype in Philly and New York, you know the reason why. You folks can handle the forecast snow amounts that we're predicting but it's infrequency of the snowfall that is making this winter storm newsworthy in the Northeast.

By the way D.C. and Baltimore, looks like there'll be little snow or sleet for you guys from this storm.

Yeah, I'm living on good time island here - not enough weather change for me!

ETA: Breaking! We are actually receiving white precipitation in quantities substantial enough to cover the ground. City grinds to a halt! Snow dogs rejoice! Miracles do happen, Timmy!

Why does she get to have all the fun?

Well hello there, abuelitas. What up?

I have not too much to report in general, but will summarize a few key points regarding my life, this planet, and everything else of late:

1. I just got off the phone with my dad in Indiana. Among the many things we discussed (e.g., the lake being dredged, painting the bathroom, bedding down the flowers for winter, my cuckcoo clock (that he bought me), donating items for the new historical society depot, what are my plans for thanksgiving (I am going back home for a few days and he has signed me up for a $50 Texas Hold'Em buy-in game on Sat already), visiting the VFW in my old small town, and his plans to go to one of those new fangled flu shot drive-through windows he saw advertised), we talked about politics a bit. Personally, I can hardly believe IN is deadlocked at the moment and even more so, I am amazed that my dad plans to vote for Obama. Amazed for many many reasons having to do with my dad and his age and Indiana and various and sundry other issues (read: racism), but there you go. His main argument though is that he doesn't think that an old guy like McCain can clean up the mess that the damn Republicans put us in and that it's going to require a young guy. Whatever works, I say.

2. I have a cold which I am pretending not to have and which made me hunker down in my apt last night. But here is the great thing about last night in my apartment: Not a single trick or treater! You know how I feel about Halloween so was thrilled with the fact that I did not have to leave my place of residence to avoid the hobgoblins.

3. On Thurs, I sat through a government agency awards ceremony for which Robotech received one such award. I came away with the impression that there exists an Office of the Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Assistant Commissioner of the Office of the Assistant Deputy Director of the Secretary of a Cabinet Level Agency. Yay, bureaucracy!

4. My friends back home have not forgotten me. They texted me all last night telling of the adventures of a small cardboard cutout of me that they made by gluing a picture of my face on it and have placed me upon a stick. They made several of these and they pull out Cardboard Me at various/sundry events and take pictures of me doing (often naughty) things with people, animals, and objects. Aww, isn't that sweet? Apparently, they lost the one of me in blond wig one winter night last year while out drinking - she was the Jezebel whore of the bunch so god knows what she's doing with some stranger as we speak.

When I was back there in Sept for a wedding, my strai friend A (who keeps CB me in a potted plant or a cup full of pens most of the time) insisted that I take pictures with myself, one of which was very very wrong on many levels. Placing my tongue upon my own cardboard breasts = kinky! Good times, good times..

ETA: Here I am holding myself which is weird to say:



ETA2: My friend sent me a picture from Fri night where I apparently was enjoying a little beer with my chili -- I assume things got steamer as the night wore on. I was probably tucked into the bosom of a hooker or the asscrack of a go-go boy by night's end.




5. FYI - still in love with a hockey-loving eh-saying dark sexy soft Canadian drummer!

That is all, good day to you and don't forget to vote for the young guy on Tues!

let them eat cake

I'm totally going to be late for Good Time Island if I don't find this. Won't you please think of the children and search your couch and/or bed for the below item?