In defense of distraction

This article is pretty interesting. Of course, it's also, ironically, tl;dr-ish.

“You can’t be happy all the time,” Gallagher tells me, “but you can pretty much focus all the time. That’s about as good as it gets.

Nothing good ever lasts

A friend of mine, from back in my favorite state, lost her dad today, a bear of a guy who I liked a great deal even though he was a prickly old pear. A farmer who collected old tractors and voted Republican, he was nonetheless a decent man who told a dirty joke or three and appreciated the meatball recipe I would bring to Thanksgiving.

So tonight I am going through four flashdrives, one harddrive, and one old laptop attempting to recover a ton of pictures I took between 04-07 that I have either misplaced or deleted accidentally because I have a touch of the WTF. I'm 73% of the way through a Search and Recover4(tm) on an old desktop harddrive. I kinda need to find those pictures of him to send to her because I know that when you lose someone, a picture becomes a precious thing.

I've been reading this book of collected travel writings from old timey National Geographics, like back in the 20s and 30s when people went places on camel and steamer ships and it wasn't easy to get here or there. I've always been a fan of history, other peoples', yours, mine. Perhaps it's romanticizing something that, at the time, probably felt as unglamorous as the here and now. Heck, I even look back misty eyed on 2006, but I can't say I thought it was all that/bag of chips when I was living it.

Memory is funny, especially these days with digital. Half the time I'm like, did it ever really happen if I don't have a picture of it; other half I don't need a picture to remember anything, it's all imprinted in there deep.

Me being nostalgic me, I drove through my old town over Thanksgiving, just to check things out, see what's changed. And of course to take pictures, to remember. Even though every inch is pretty much etched in my head forever.

Main street in my old town:




My old house:



What I remember most:

Tiny wooden hands holding a tiny wooden bible

Fine fine, here's a picture from my teen years:



..which reminded me of this Wonder Killer classique.

Yeah, that's all I got. I've been in a perpetual bad mood despite a few positive things that have happened. I feel like I don't have much room to bitch about life and my woe is me bullshit given everything else going on around us so I'd rather just lay low until this too shall have passed.

Instead, I will briefly tell you the story of an act of human kindness thrust upon me by a citizen of this cruel cruel city wherein my faith in humanity was restored for a brief bright flicker.

Friday night I came home on the Metro and went through the station and walked out to my car. When I got to the my car, I couldn't find my little wallet thing I had just used to get off the train. Inside said wallet: $45, my drivers license, 1 credit card, 1 check/ATM card, 1 insurance card, 1 MetroSmartrip with $90 on it, and two Mega Million lottery tickets. <-- I could still be a winner, haven't checked yet.

As a result of losing above mentioned and not being able to find it, I had to go to the Metro station office since I couldn't get out of the parking lot. While there, the Metro guys were assuring me that usually people turn that stuff in. Me, I assumed the worst. Gave up hope and got in a really bad mood thinking about having to deal with canceling the cards and replacing the stuff. You know how my trips to the DMV go.

So I get home and am ready to take the dogs out when I notice someone has slipped a note under my apt door. It said: "I found your wallet!!" and gave his name and number. It was written on what appeared to be some kind of Bible card (for which the person apologized that it was the only paper he had). I was like, whaa?

I call and the guy had just dropped off the note, was still in my parking lot, and walked back to meet me at my door to give me my wallet. To say I was dumbfounded is an understatement. I naturally thanked him profusely several times. This was some youngish guy (maybe around 28 or so) who found my wallet, apparently put my address in his GPS or something, drove from the Metro to my apt (not far, but still) on a Fri night to return it to me. I just...

..you know? So I am trying trying trying to be open to the fact that people are people and we're all just trying to get along in this world and that despite this being a city that drives me nuts in every sense of the word (watched a guy pee into a trash can today while walking to a meeting; the Metro has been extra crowded lately; Robotech is getting the best of me, etc), there just might be some good folks out there if I stop being so pissed off and bitter. Easier said than done, of course, but things like this certainly do help adjust my attitude.

Oh, and the bible card he left it on?

2 Corinthians 4.9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed

I'm not into that sort of thing (i.e., the bible, jesus, god), but I am keeping the card anyway.d

This was your life

I may be entering a period of taking stock of where I was/where I am/where I'm going, so beware. Or I may continue to blog about vice, music (the new Calexico cd is really good, ps), and missing the midwest. Hard telling. Life is like that = introspection followed by distraction mixed in with nostalgia and heartbreak and happiness. Or so I've read.

So I was digging through some boxes yesterday looking for something or other and came across some pictures from days gone by. In light of feeling oldish, it was good to remember that I wasn't always that way.

5 = when playing with sand is enough to make you happy:



6 = when you are the shrimpiest cousin of the batch:



7 = when your older sister and her friend are still cool:



8-9 = when your lifelong habit of making faces for the camera begins:



10 = when everything changed for the first time:



Maybe if I'm feeling brave, I'll do the teen years, but sweet lord, we all know how the 80s looked. Not pretty, not pretty at all.

I'm the pretender

Well, so another week down. It's kind of funny, but sometimes I feel like I'm scratching another mark on the wall and looking at all the lines and being secretly glad it feels like time is going fast. Like eventually I will get this over with and can move on. What I don't like, though, is that one of these days (maybe even now), I'll wish, in general, time had not gone so quickly. O, the human condition! Time, the revelator!

I had a dream last night with my people in it; we were having a party with a bunch of folks there and apparently it was a breakfast party because we were preparing things like fruit and waffles and there was beer. Like I always say, ain't no party like a pancake party cuz a pancake party don't stop. Then the dream veered off into bizarro land and I somehow was going to have sex with Michael Phelps so I could sell the pics to the paps. Yeah, I don't know. Let's not speak of it again.

So tonight I am going into the city to meet some people I don't know except for two of them and not even that well. I feel like I need to get out a bit even though I'm not particularly interested in dealing with strangers and/or people and/or both, but I am also feeling a bit restless. Restlessness always gets me in trouble and frankly, all work/no play is starting to get to me and I need something to fill the void. I miss my people and my state and space enough to be happy.

So another week down. According to special relativity, time moves more slowly if you stand still in space so the way to make it happen faster is to increase your velocity through spacetime.

It's time to increase my velocity just a bit.

Attitude adjusted? Check.

Heya, how goes it?

So yes I am back and things are good. Sure it's hotter than hell here, but you know it's ok. I must say, my vacation was clearly much-needed and certainly has adjusted my attitude in the right direction. This is a good thing for me and you and everyone we know.

So I'm still operating on midwestern time, which is pretty much 3-4 X slower than here and I've decided to see if I can slow ride that for awhile/as long as I can. Which functionally means that if you are stuck behind me on the escalator for the Metro or walking down the street or driving behind me while I'm leisurely traversing the Beltway, you should pretty much expect that while I appreciate that you have places to go, as do I, I shall not be rushing/pushing/speeding or even showing so much as a hint of haste.

Yep, this is the good ol' "Ah well, I'll get there when I get there" attitude that I pretty much fell right back into easily. No rush. I'm also going to adopt a variation of this in the workplace, the handy "It'll get done when it gets done". I was reminded that while it's quite ok to work hard, it doesn't make much sense to kill oneself for a job. It is a job, not one's life.

And finally, with regard to that whole "people" issue (the not liking them as much), you know, I let that go out on a green green field. There is no point in holding on to the hate, this too shall pass. We all have our thing and you've got to find a way to adapt/get over it. So about my recent misanthropy: People are people (so why should it be etc). I'm officially Over It.

O Glorious Balance, How this Libra has missed Ye!

faith

Holy frak. I have about 1.8 million things on my mind (which is the price tag of a proposal I have been putting together) and am trying to pack for a two week trip (which is stress/salvation rolled into one) when I simply had to take a time out and let my head go somewhere else. I just finished watching the latest Battlestar Galactica episode Faith and hot holy hell. This show is killing me...man. My love for tortured prophet-heroes knows no bounds. It's also a testament to the level of stress I'm under that it also managed to wrest a moist eye from me as well. Man.

Anyway, I need to get my shit together tonight and finish some of those 1.8 million things and attempt to remember everything I need and somehow make my way to the airport tomorrow morning and land in SF and then drive up north of there and presumably be in a hotel room in California tomorrow night with enough time to re-read a 100pg proposal and prepare for a 1.5 day meeting where I negotiate the impossible and then pick up my Canadian and forget about everything else for awhile.

The question is: Can this be done without completely losing my mind? The answer = Try Again Later. Thank you Magic 8 Ball, may I have another?

I guess it's March now?

Did you find that little hamster with his happy feet too much to take? Man is he cute or what..

So, how goes? I have decided that two days on the weekend is not enough to recover from 5 days at Robotech. All work/no play, that kind of thing. Plus also I am feeling like I am running out of time between now and when I move. You know how I get when I have to move = minor freak outs and major stress. It seems weird that we moved here a year ago, like I am not sure whether the time has gone quickly or slowly. I think it's the result of the fact that there were so many changes all at once, it kind of threw off the time/space continuum. So in the last year, I: moved halfway across the country, lost my social network of friends, started a new job, and broke up with my girlfriend. That covers a few on the life events stress test. Thank god no one died this past year.

As a result, I've got this new patch of gray hair at my right temple that wasn't there before, I dropped like 3 sizes in jeans (seriously, I don't even remember the last time I wore a size 6 until now..like high school?), and I can't really tell if I'm happy or not. I'm in that auto-pilot zone where you just go from this day to that day and take your moments of good when they come. Is that just life? Hard to tell. I'm not too miserable, not too content. Things could be better, things could be worse. I guess that's just how it is right now (how it's always been?) I'm only taking stock because I've been here a year and that seems to be decent marker of time.

So I am giving myself another year here for a variety of reasons (e.g., don't want to be a quitter, can leverage this job to get better job elsewhere, don't have legit job prospect back home, attempt to find a way to enjoy/take advantage of city life for a bit). Whatever. Enough of this. Half tempted to just delete this all and post cute youtube videos or something. You know how you're thinking about how things are going etc and you just kind of get tired of listening to yourself process. Even at the best of times, my own tolerance for me talking about me is very low. Sure, this whole blog is me talking about me, but you know. My midwestern sensibilities don't allow for extended mememe. Now this is just getting tedious. It's sunny and warm here today so I am going to stop with this nonsense.

I will, however, post a picture from my lovely evening with the Aussies in which I discovered my new favorite place here in town. We had a nice time and I may see them later today. Baby steps, baby steps.

Normally used as a surface for doing lines, someone misplaced their Duds (box half-full even, I checked):

2007

So you know I'm leaving town on Sat and going back home for NYE and quite frankly, 2007 shouldn't let the door hit its ass on the way out. That's really all I have to say about that.

So what was I doing last year? Apparently, in retrospect, not doing very well with that whole resolution I had. What about the year before that? You'll be slightly horrified to know that I still have the gnoochi I bought. I guess I should through that out, yeah?

So this year I'm going to hang with the same friends again and attend the pagan ritual (with champagne!) again. I need that for sure. I also need to try to clear my head somehow and get my shit in order. I'm getting a little tired of this, whatever this is, and feel like I need to figure out how I'm going to be happy this year, wherever I am. Choices need to be made, energy redirected, attitude adjusted. All the heavy lifting shit we put off during the year when we're just, you know, trying to make it through. I'm not sure of the how and the when, but something's gotta give in 2008, this business can't last. I resolve to not put up with anymore of my sorry-ass bullshit, time to buck up!

Catch you on the flip side..

snow

I love snow; for one, it makes everything white and pretty and clean. For two, it reminds me of sledding and snowball fights. It is the best part of winter. Unless you are living in the great white north where the snow is too much sometimes, I think most ppl like the stuff a little bit, especially the first snow of the season. Plus also, you can make a snowman and discuss love, ask him what he learned about it. Answer probably = it is everything and also who needs it and also it hurts and also it is the best thing ever. Right?

Bottom line is that snow is good.

...unless you live happen to be living in Washington DC and the first few flakes of snow occur in the morning hours. When it takes you 3 hours to get to work as a result of inching along I-95 to travel 2 miles in 1.5 hours and doing the math in your head tells you that at this rate, it is possible that your commute back home might take you into next week THEN maybe snow is not pretty and clean and happy anymore. This is why you drink sometimes (like now). This is why you must question the wisdom of cramming so many people in so many cars in so little square mileage because it is clear that dealing with things like the weather and like air is simply asking too much. It is also slightly scary to think of how the government of this great country operates at all given the near-shutdown that occurs at the first sign of moisture. I wish I were kidding. And one more thing, I hate having to bitch about the city and people and blah blah blah small-town-girl-in-DC etc because it gets old and repetitive and annoying, why can't I just talk about sex instead. That is a good question because I do not particularly care for the person I am becoming as a result of this whole business. It is time to buck up, tiny dancer, and get a grip. So this is me getting a grip. Turn a page and remember what is important (see below):

object and thing

Ah, well, here I am again. Saying things. However, I am now able to do so because I have spent/am spending this weekend totally recharging my battery and it is working. You know, if I can't be out on a prairie in Kansas to recharge, I can learn to adapt to my new environment in productive and healthy ways.

So naturally, Fri night I drank like a lifetime of vodka tonics and went to a girl bar in DC with two of the three ppl I know in this city. Here's a hint: This is an example of what I should not have done and that whole learning to adapt process. When you are sick of dealing with people, or missing certain people, or at the end of your rope, or having an existential crisis about being Too Much Alone In This World, Yet Not Alone Enough, the last place you want to be is in a noisy small bar on lesbian-on-Fri-nights-only-night that's cranking Soulja Boy or whatever and having a "playa" come up on yo ass and dry hump it like this actually works for her? I think I shall pass. One more Stoli and tonic please. Why am I here? Who are these people? If a butterfly flaps its wings in Tibet, will that make this night end any faster? Short answer to all of the above = 42.

So, yesterday, with lesson learned firmly in place, I approached my day differently. I called Canada in the morning, I went and had a massage, and then for the rest of the day, I made it a point/priority/goal not to see or talk to another human being. This is what I am talking about. I took the dogs for a long long walk in the woods near here, checked out leaves and stuff on the ground, let them wade around in a creek running through the woods, listened to nothing but crunching of my feet, saw only two or three people way off in the distance, breathed fresh fresh crisp air. You have no idea. Then I came back and listened to music, spent a long leisurely time cooking (lasagna), chilled the fuck out basically. I slept hard, dreamed about crazy shit, and didn't get up until 930 this morning.

I intend to do similar things today with again a heavy emphasis on no human contact or conversation. That is clearly the key for me this weekend. I'm doing some laundry, will clean a little bit as the motivation hits me, maybe watch some football, have yummy leftovers, and read a new book I got, The Map That Changed the World. I will not get out of my sleep pants and tshirt. I will not get in my car. I will not wash my hair. I will pretend people don't exist in my world for a while longer. I will not think about work or the metro or that city or anything that remotely causes any amount of mental stress/anguish/ennui. You with me on that? Life will be good again.

Top Ten Things That Currently Occupy a Positive Place in My Thoughts

So, in honor of Win's 1 year anniversary and because I am trying to focus on good things right now, here is my top ten list of things I currently am inclined to think of positively:

10. Macadamia nuts

They are tasty and rich and the texture is divine. I'm a fan of nuts and I like turning other people on to them. So I say: Go bust a nut with Macadamias!

9. Wine in a box!

Advantages: Cost efficient/cheap, seemingly endless, doesn't spoil (at least I think), easy-pour spout made just for one's mouth if things come down to that. Disadvantages: None. Winner: Wine in a box!

8. Little People, Big World

For some reason, TLC is playing a constant stream of this charming documentary/series and can I admit something to you? I really, really totally would love to live on their pumpkin farm. That is all.

7. Bandanas

Back in the day and, you know, if I were a gay man, I'd probably wear, like, a grey bandana in my left pocket or something. Now I wear bandanas on my head because my hair is longer and gets in the way of important things. Like seeing. Or eating. So yeah, bandanas come in handy. Do you like my red one?

6. The View

So, one of the rooms in this house is small and faces the back. I set up my office there and have a desk right in front of the window. The view from that window is really nice, big tall trees and eventually, I won't be able to see the houses behind that area. It's jungle-like and the other day, I counted no less than 15 large hawk-type birds roosting way up, hanging out. The view makes me forget where I am.

5. Text messages

How did we ever survive without them? How did I ever survie without them? All I can say is thank fucking god for texts.

4. GPS units

We have one on loan from the Gov and let me tell you, I would have never made it into/out of Adams Morgan without it. However, we (and by we, I mean me) find the voice to be too naggy and bossy. I will turn left if I damn well want. I also appreciate that every Starbucks in a 100 mile radius is mapped for my mocha pleasure (I've been trying to cut down, but I am only human). I am not entirely sure that the Gov isn't tracking our every movement, but fine, yes, that was me on my way to buy crack and ho's. Sue me, Uncle Sam. Point being: GPS units are scary/great.

3. Accents

I have always been a fan of accents when someone speaks. I am a bigger fan now. There are lots of them out this way, different, new, all kinds. It makes talking to people that much better. Accents are tout a fait delicieux!

2. Baltimore Basilica

I'm not religious, but can I tell you something? This is actually quite beautiful. I imagine it was busy on Easter Sunday, the first since it was restored. I wonder if those people enjoyed how lovely it must have been.

1. Words

Again, always been a big fan, but you know, words = good. Occasionally, I am at a loss for them. Yes, it's true. I am going to try to find the right ones, the positive ones, for awhile. I've been too negative and closed for a while, so it's time to change the frame. So here are some words I like right now either because of how they sound or what they mean: ersatz, croissant, please, crocus, lascivious, pasta, thistle, hydrate, yes, spring.

What The Body Says

I'm in the mood for a little Mary Oliver poetry, indulge me:


What the Body Says

I was born here, and
I belong here, and
I will never leave.
The blue heron's

gray smoke will flow over me
for years
and the wind will decide
all directions

until I am safely and entirely
something else.
I am thinking of this
this winter morning

as I sit by the fire
and the fire in its red rack
keeps singing
its cracking song

of transformation.
Of course
I wonder about
the mystery

that is surely up there
in starry space
and how some part of me
will go there at last.

But I am talking now
of the way the body speaks,
and the wind, that keeps saying,
firmly, lovingly:

a little while and then this body
will be stone; then
it will be water; then
it will be air.

- Mary Oliver

Here is a title that captures the essence of this entry

A couple of random things:

1. Sure we got a little bit of ice/sleet, but the 8-12 inches of snow predicted? It missed us to the southeast. I am sad b/c I so love major snowstorms and I was all ready to be snowed in and romp around with the pups and have a hard time remembering that I was wearing shorts a mere two days ago. Sigh. I say if it's going to be cold as shit, snow makes it bearable. Regardless, we had a fire tonight so that was nice.

2. As a result of above ice/sleet/snow to the east, my school teacher friend A had the day off and we made a run to various and sundry places and then eventually went downtown for coffee. The best thing is that her school cancelled for tomorrow and we plan to have a long breakfast with glorious newspaper reading and discussions of this/that. We tend to laugh a bunch when we get together plus most of our conversations eventually make their way to sex. Come to think of it, so do many of my conversations with lots of other people. Yes, I am a 14 year old boy. Wait, scratch that..I'll probably get some dude emailing me now. I'm really a thirty-something lesbian with a girlfriend who carries a gun. No, kidding. I'm a suburban mother of six...a Buddhist monk..a..ok, where the hell was I?

3. Here are two home projects I shall be doing this weekend: a) putting window insulation up (The Agent complains that she is constantly cold and believes the culprit to be window drafts), b) replacing the wax seal on the toilet in one of the bathrooms. (Confession: I am secretly looking forward to b way more than a b/c I have never done it and I found fucking amazing website that goes through it step by step. I always feel very efficacious when I learn a new home repair skill. I will most certainly keep you updated with the results of my labor. I may even take pictures because I know you really really want to follow along at home).

4. I have been listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs quite a bit this week.

5. I have not watched a minute of womens college bball yet this season so I was very excited to catch the Purdue/UConn game. I had to cheer for my undergrad alma mater but alas, they came up short. There is no reason for me not to attend the local wbb games here in town other than I have forgotten and need to put the schedule someplace where I can see it.

6. The Agent and I rented a movie last night while it iced and we had a fire going. Imagine Me and You which, while not being the most titilating girl-girl movie, was, we both had to admit, very cute. The only disturbing thing about the movie was that Giles from Buffy looked like he was suffering from a case of dementia, and subsequently, his face had this, well, crazy look to it that gave me the heebies. He looked ancient and I was like, wasn't he kind of youngish in Buffy? (could I use more commas?)

7. I forgot to mention that in addition to it being warm enough to wear shorts, we all went camping last weekend and it was lovely. Perfect weather. I took the Baby Dog with me and she loved it. However, we have been finding ticks on her left/right b/c I forgot to get an extra thing of Advantage to put on her. Left the Big Dog at home with The Agent, but even she got in on the tick action as we found one on top of her head last night. We have been trying to play blissfully ignorant and not think about where/if there are ticks about in the house. Because they're not.

That should cover it, enough of chatty cathy. Goodnight!

ETA: Yeah, I thought I was done too. But I finally finished all that tag/label business. I am not sure what it means when I have 20 posts about my vices and only 7 for search for meaning. You know what? I'm going to add 'search for meaning' to this particular entry now because I don't know what It All Means!

Not Dead (Yet)

Still here!

How times flies though, it's the middle of Jan already and I barely feel like I've started my time off. But it's been quite nice, sleeping in, reading the paper every morning, letting the day take me where it wants. Lots of trips to the dog park, cooking, and reading*. I've also been working on my second Adirondack chair after a bit of a hiatus. It's not coming along as smoothly as the previous one, but I think it will come out fine. So, all in all, I've been busy, but not busy (in the traditional sense). It's great feel unencumbered; I know it won't last and who knows if I'll get another opportunity, so I'm going to enjoy it for as long as needed. I figure I'll know when the right time is to go back into the workforce (and I do feel lucky/privileged to be financially able to do this; most people can't).

Finally, here is the recipe for the black been enchilada/quesadilla casserole I made last night. Great for taking your time and enjoying a glass of red wine while cooking:

----------------
1 can black beans
2 cans enchilada sauce
1 small can corn
1 tomato
1 medium onion
1 green pepper (red also if they aren't $$)
4 cloves garlic
1/2 cup green onions
Flour or wheat tortillas
Enough cheddar/jack cheese to make you happy
Oven 350 degrees

Saute the diced onions, peppers, and garlic in a skillet w/ olive oil. When onions turn translucent, add diced tomatoes, black beans, and corn. Simmer on low, stirring occasionally. Add cayenne or chili powder as desired. After about 10 minutes, add a small pat of butter to melt in and thicken bean mix. Meanwhile, heat up the enchilada sauce in a separate pot. After the black bean mix is soft and thick, prepare to layer. In the bottom of a casserole dish, spoon enough enchilada sauce to cover bottom. Cut or tear tortillas to make a layer. Then add a layer of beans, then enchilada sauce, then cheese. Repeat as needed. Pop in oven and allow to cook about 20 minutes or so. You'll know when it's done, bubbly and melted. Great for leftovers.

--------------------

*I'm really enjoying The Self-Aware Universe..I'm still processing the info, but I picked up some interesting insights into spirituality/mysticism/science that seem to gel with some of my own thoughts/experiences. (Renee, I want to catch up with you when I've read more and have had some time to let it soak in and make sense). It's definitely a good read, but is one of those kind of books that need reflection/contemplation. I've been thinking of it on and off in quiet moments and chit-chatting about it with some friends so the ideas are there on the stove, slow-cooking.

Regrets, I had a few

So this year, I *finally* made it to my friend's mom's New Years Day pagan breakfast celebration. Or as I like to call it: Mimosas in the Morning. For the past 5 years, my friend's mom has had these early morning NY day gatherings with like-minded liberal ladies and my friend and her partner. I have been invited for the past 3 years to attend and have made promises to do so. However, in previous years, I had been foolish with the libations the night before and have been unable to wake up at 630am to go out there (or if I have been awake, I was in no shape to do so). This year I made a promise to myself to moderate and make it there. (I thought I'd leave the boozing and boobies to Vivvy and the Mrs...who did not disappoint!)

So, my friend A and I got up and went out there crack-o-dawn. It was actually a great time and I'm so glad I made it. We started off with some coffee, then progressed to champagne for the rest of the morning. There was a fire outside and our first ritual was to write down our regrets from the previous year for burning and letting go. I went ahead and filled out several cards from the previous years just to catch up. We also each had a bay leaf to put in the fire, which in some ritual meant again burning and letting go of a specific problem from the last year that would keep us from starting anew. Lots of champagne. Then a lovely b-fast followed by writing down our hopes for the new year to be opened next NY's morning. There was also a book to share thoughts or poems or comments that represent something meaningful. We followed this all up with a great hike through my friend's property which is very large and wooded with fields etc. It was a very cool way to take some time to reflect and start anew. The day itself was unseasonably warm and sunny (like in the 60s); it was a perfect end to the morning. I'm really glad I made it this year and I hope to do so again next year. I didn't realize how much I would get out of it, but I felt like it helped put the last couple of years into perspective and help me focus on the upcoming year.

Then yesterday, the Agent and I went into Kansas City to piddling around on the Plaza, have lunch and do a little shopping etc. It was nice to get a chance to spend some good quality time with her out of the house and doing something. We both enjoyed it. And I came home with a nice big hunk of Parmesan Reggiano, some homemade gnocchi, and some Arborio rice for rissoto.

All in all, a good start to the year. Hope yours ended and started as well as mine.

ps. Tonight, the Texas game on tap...we'll get a chance to see where we *really* stand.

winter ennui

Aye, so it's colder here and things are still busy and eh. Holiday season sucked last year and this year is similar. No holiday spirit and not looking forward to the whole Xmas thing, I only get it up for the Agent who loves Xmas. I'm hoping my feelings will eventually change.

I went home to Indiana the day after Thanksgiving for a few days to visit my dad and sister. Long drive, 10 hours across Missouri and Illinois and up through the Hoosier state. Unfortunately, "home" is not really an appropriate word anymore for that place and the whole time I was there, it felt very empty. Still, I felt compelled to go. As a result, I'm in a bit of a funk, but work is so busy this week I haven't had time to process.

All is not lost though, our secretary Debbie made me this awesome black scarf that I love..it's made out of ribbon yarn. It's spiffy. And tonight, the Agent and her aunt (who is visiting for 2 weeks..and who talks non-stop) took a trip down to Oklahoma so I have the house to myself. I could use about another two days home alone, but will take what I can get. Oh, and we went to see Harry Potter on Sun. Plus my dogs love me so time to buck up and stop whining.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer -- Modest Mouse

Follow your bliss

Last night before bed, I picked up Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth and was re-reading the chapter on a Hero's Journey. I wasn't so much interested in the traditional notion of the Hero going on an (physical) adventure, overcoming some obstacle, etc etc. I was more interested in the other aspect of a hero journey that he talked about that focuses on the spiritual quest..the idea that when one chooses to stop thinking or doing what is "normal" and undergoes a change or seeks out some new way of thinking/doing and chooses to come back transformed. (You can see how this plays out in psychotherapy for example -- yeah, I know, but it's illustrative).

I tend more toward secular humanism or unitarian universalism when I do that BeliefNet survey. As such, I like to look towards other sources (like Campbell or a poem or existential philosophers or nature or science) for inspiration when it comes to the spiritual side of things. I'm coming to a major turning point in my life when my job ends in Dec and I'm thinking about what I need to do next...and although some of the focus is on the material (i.e. how to pay the bills), I find myself mainly focused on the intangibles (i.e. happiness, fulfillment). And I think that those are very self-oriented and I had always thought you had to pursue them in an egocentric manner (i.e. what can I do to make myself happy?). However, I am beginning to think that the answer, for me, is going to be found elsewhere, through more altruistic endeavors. I'm not even sure how that translates as a question.

So part of what I am preparing to "do" is overcome the daily grind of our Western capitalistic/consumerism model (which is focused soley on the self, ultimately). I think we get so caught up in pushing papers, looking out for #1, distracting ourselves from real challenge that we get complacent. We go from day to day mostly submerged in our own little worlds, thinking about what's coming next; somewhere along the line, we get lost or lose touch with the fundamental. I have to search for answers from a very different perspective. I've had glimpses of this from time to time, moments of understanding, but it's hard to maintain and hold on to them day-to-day. So I'm going out looking for that understanding, I'm just not sure how to get there or where to go. Hence, the upcoming journey.

But enough about me and my crazy talk, where's your bliss?

busy

I've been way too busy at work the last two weeks. My office is a mess, papers everywhere, shit to do, grad students to supervise, etc. Since the semester started, things are in high gear and since we're winding down trying to spend the rest of our money, I'm on a buying and hiring frenzy. It felt like Xmas when I went to Office Depot the other day. Of course, after Dec, there's not going to be any money to pay someone to work in the lab to use all that stuff. I have a shitload to do before I leave this job and not looking forward to it. Essentially 15 years worth of projects and materials and files to keep track of and be able to put your hands on when needed. When I left the last time and came back, I couldn't find anything because someone else had been project managing. Now I fear that my PI isn't going to be able to find stuff when I'm gone. Which of course segues into my other fear of not knowing if/what my next job is going to be. I'm trying to be zen about it and have a few contingency plans and some apps in the fire. Aye, forks in the road and existential crises...good times!

This weekend I intend to do as little as possible. Don't hate me, viv, but I'm looking forward to reading the newest Harry Potter. Miss Connecticut is to blame for finally turning me on to those books and now, what can I say? Sure, it's not Proust, but the way my brain is working these days, I need a little muggle-comfort. Sue me!

Ok, so it's imperfect

As I tried out my new mantra yesterday, I realized that it might not be as universally applicable as I thought:

At my dental appointment, I was unable to work it into the conversation (granted, my mouth was occupied a good deal of the time). I couldn't figure out whether I should direct the comment to my own teeth or towards the my dentist. So I struggled and ultimately ran out of time and opportunity. I suspect I should have gone with saying it to my teeth because in the end, I found out I needed a crown. In this case, Fancy let me down.

Then I called my gal friends to meet for a quick beer before my next apointment. Because they so readily agreed, I didn't get to use it. I wasn't even given a chance to be let down. I don't think it works well when things are going your way.

Next, I tried to work it in with my therapist (what? don't tell me I'm the only crazy one here). But then we got sidetracked with my stuff and I forgot about it completely. Apparently when you are in "life limbo", you're not so focused on using your new catch-phrase. So despite my best intentions, I have yet to actually utter my mantra. Yes, I let myself down. Did I not learn anything from Reba?