the sweet smell of victory

Plus also: A massage scheduled for tomorrow. You have no idea what this means to me. I'm not even complaining that it does not come with release. Which should be enough entrendre X 2 to last the rest of the weekend and which also dovetails nicely into the fact that the carpets are being cleaned tomorrow as well. And I will also mention the fact that I was able to consume 4 beverages last night which put a small dent in that which is required. TGIF, peeps, TGIF. And with that, my work here is done.

cautionary tale

Hey folks, you know all the evidence that shows that using a cell phone while driving is dangerous? (Not that I would ever personally do something like that, no way). Well, unfortunately, this morning my Honda Civic was the victim and the agent was the perp. By a twist of fate, the agent asked to use my car to go to a doctor's appt b/c her work car was out of gas. I drove the big dog truck to the train. As I was walking into work this morning, she gave me a jingle to tell me about said drs appt and as we were talking, she apparently pulled out of a parking lot and into the passenger side door of a van.

Honda Civics, at least the front end area, are primarily fiberglass. So unfortunately, I no longer have a bumper or really much of anything up there left. My beloved Chiefs license plate is gone. I have a fear the the frame might be bent which would be bad. It was drivable, at least back to the house, but it's pretty much screwed. This is why we pay for insurance. Who knows if it's totaled (I was only about 9 months away from paying it off), but it will require a fair amt of work. Heck, once someone backed into the front bumper of it and put a little indent..their insurance co paid me $500 just for that. That's what makes me think it might be totaled. We shall see, huh?

So let this be a lesson to you! Pooch says: If you're going to talk on your cell phone, make sure you're driving a golf cart and not a car!

ps. The voting starts now on what kind of car I should get if my Civic is a goner. Vote early and often!

pps. Ms. Snarker, does this look familiar?

not dead yet

I have returned to Dumb City with a cold and a shitty attitude, therefore I shall only say a few words so as not to come off as the bitter, sick shrew I feel like today:

1. Happy B-day (yesterday) to my literary girlfriend and Promises bunkmate, Miss Vivian Darkbloom. Who shall ever forget the soiree we had for her in 1978? It rivaled Capote's Black and White party, only we called it the Sequins and Nude party. Were it not for a ridiculous call to the fire department and an unfortunate misunderstanding between María del Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Baeza de Rasten (aka Charo) and George Hamilton, that party would have gone down in history. C'est la life. (Also a happy belated bday to Pip and Winny! Libras will rule the world one day, I am convinced.)

2. My visit to my dad's was lovely. Perfect weather. Pontoon. A sunburn. Fishing. And I had the pleasure of having breakfast in what some people would call a small-town diner, but I would call a bait store/gambling parlor that serves eggs and fried potatoes on the side. Good times. I also drove a practically blind, speech impaired, hard of hearing drunken old man around on his golf cart. His name was Pooch. One time, Pooch, after a long day and many Natural Lites, mistook the gas for the break and drove his golf cart into the porch of his trailer, narrowly missing the propane tank. Pooch was also wearing shorts that no man of his age and/or weight should wear. Good times, good times. Gotta love the Hoosier state.

3. I am just now reading the last Harry Potter book which has been making my Metro commute falsely appear shorter. Somehow I've remained unspoiled and am enjoying it. However, not to sound all sunny-happy-days-are-here-again, the 8 mile drive down I-95 is going to kill me before the end of this week. Every day, morning and night, it has inched along. I have lost all patience with people and their stupid cars and their stupid whatevers -- I engaged in some primal scream therapy this morning when I saw the backup again. Somehow, shouting the MF word over and over again did not help. I wonder if I should try shouting something more positive? Any suggestions?

And thus, I bring the shrew full circle. I wish I could get it up to be excited that today is Wednesday or that I had finally worked for and achieved world peace, but alas and alak, all I can do is buck up like a good soldier! Enough of this bullshit! Come on now!

The Summer of Our Discontent

Man, this whole work thing is putting a cramp in my blogga.

Some quick housekeeping: My 20th high school reunion was, in two words, scary and fascinating. Only one perm spotted and a mullet thrown in for good measure. Speaking of the Metro (which I wasn't but will now for my one allotted Metro-bitch a week), I have found that the ragtime sounds of Squirrel Nut Zipper melt away the misery of the afternoon commute. Try it next time you are crammed into a red line car between Metro Center and Gallery Place with 300 of your closest friends in the summertime heat. Additionally, I thought I saw Chamique Holdsclaw riding the green line. For many reasons, I quickly decided that this was highly unlikely. Speaking of the WNBA, I will be attending the All-Star game in a couple of weeks because you know, Sue and LJ requested I be there (they always play better when I'm in the stands, what can I say). Finally, I cannot wait for the fucking weekend.

Now, a couple of you know this next bit, but really, what's the point in having a blog if you can't tell the whole world (ok, those 3 people from Iran, Nebraska, and Sri Lanka who regularly read this thing)? So as you may know, I moved out here with The Agent because she took a transfer. Remember how much I bitched? Yeah. Well, you know, sometimes when you have a big life change, things change big. For a variety of reasons that were present before and after this whole move, The Agent and I have separated. But of course, like good lesbians, we're still friends. So now we start the process of dividing all that shit that we moved out here. Good times! It's going to take a bit, I'll be looking for a place closer to this new job, etc etc. See, if you're going to break up with someone, wait until you've moved across country with them because it's so much more fun/easy. And then you can hear your friends/acquaintances/strangers say variations on a theme of why did you move in the first place/why didn't you break up before now/I knew this would happen/what are you going to do now. That's almost as fun. It could be worse though, I know. We're lucky in that this has been amicable.

So what am I going to do now? Well, I'm going to stay for a while and work and try to enjoy living here for a bit. Despite my reservations about this whole place, it's good to challenge oneself a bit and see how it goes. I know I won't be staying here forever, too many people and too much concrete, but while I'm here and have a good (if not my dream) job, I'm going to suck it up and be a good soldier. There are lots of great things here to do/see and when Hillary is president, she'll probably want to call on my services. I'm kind of her go-to gal, so you know, that's how we roll. Holla.

Dept of Mental Violence

So, yes, it is my own fault for waiting a bit long to deal with my car registration. I admit that. I knew it would expire at the end of this month, but for some reason, I could not mentally prepare myself to sort through the rigamorale involved in registering in a new state and finding the DMV and etc etc. But you know, time is running out and May is almost a flicker in June's eye and I think they give you tickets if your tags are expired and etc etc.

So today, after a mindblowingly wonderful weekend, I made the mistake of going to the Beltsville MD Department of Motor Vehicles (hi google search peeps looking for info -- much like the DMV itself, you will not find it here!). I'm gonna give a shoutout to the 3491 other people who were there with me and who are quite possibly still waiting for their number to be called. Holla! (ps. Confidential to the lady in front of me in the mile long line for the Information boothwho was talking to her friend: You are correct in your assessment that joining a gym would be a good idea since you haven't lost those pounds from having the baby, that your book sales could be higher, that your friend should dump whatshisname, and that you should have renewed online).

I got out relatively quickly, only forty five minutes. Why, you ask? Well, the line for the information booth/gatekeeper ladies moved relatively quickly and it only took me forty five minutes to get through it and learn that it would take weeks and a special form to get my title from the lien company and another visit to get all the shit in order once I got a call from "someone at the DMV". In other words, one must trust a system that appears inherently and bureaucratically crazy-making.

Generally, I trust people. Ok, that's not entirely true. I trust some, but also, as my hero Ronald Regan once said, verify. Actually, that's not really true either. He wasn't my hero. Oh who cares? The point is: I found it infinitely easier/faster to lie and renew my shit back home and have it sent to a friend's house to be mailed to me than to deal with Maryland. But (disclaimer for any LEO types and/or DMV employees looking to fuck with me), I am only doing that temporarily until I have established permanent residency here and you know, it is possible I may move back eventually and it's not really lying about where I am living, it's simply suggesting that it is fucking easier to deal with the bureacracy that you know than the bureacracy that you don't. Thus, dear Maryland and your crabby DMV, I will put off anything official until I am mentally able to handle another visit to your insane-making factory. Let's give it another year, yeah?

ps. Wish me luck while I drive on expired plates later this week. And if you must, feel free to tell me I Told You So when/if I get a ticket and hauled off to jail or and waterboarded. Or whatever it is they do to you in this damn state.

pps. The sangria tasted like heaven.

Top Ten Things That Currently Occupy a Positive Place in My Thoughts

So, in honor of Win's 1 year anniversary and because I am trying to focus on good things right now, here is my top ten list of things I currently am inclined to think of positively:

10. Macadamia nuts

They are tasty and rich and the texture is divine. I'm a fan of nuts and I like turning other people on to them. So I say: Go bust a nut with Macadamias!

9. Wine in a box!

Advantages: Cost efficient/cheap, seemingly endless, doesn't spoil (at least I think), easy-pour spout made just for one's mouth if things come down to that. Disadvantages: None. Winner: Wine in a box!

8. Little People, Big World

For some reason, TLC is playing a constant stream of this charming documentary/series and can I admit something to you? I really, really totally would love to live on their pumpkin farm. That is all.

7. Bandanas

Back in the day and, you know, if I were a gay man, I'd probably wear, like, a grey bandana in my left pocket or something. Now I wear bandanas on my head because my hair is longer and gets in the way of important things. Like seeing. Or eating. So yeah, bandanas come in handy. Do you like my red one?

6. The View

So, one of the rooms in this house is small and faces the back. I set up my office there and have a desk right in front of the window. The view from that window is really nice, big tall trees and eventually, I won't be able to see the houses behind that area. It's jungle-like and the other day, I counted no less than 15 large hawk-type birds roosting way up, hanging out. The view makes me forget where I am.

5. Text messages

How did we ever survive without them? How did I ever survie without them? All I can say is thank fucking god for texts.

4. GPS units

We have one on loan from the Gov and let me tell you, I would have never made it into/out of Adams Morgan without it. However, we (and by we, I mean me) find the voice to be too naggy and bossy. I will turn left if I damn well want. I also appreciate that every Starbucks in a 100 mile radius is mapped for my mocha pleasure (I've been trying to cut down, but I am only human). I am not entirely sure that the Gov isn't tracking our every movement, but fine, yes, that was me on my way to buy crack and ho's. Sue me, Uncle Sam. Point being: GPS units are scary/great.

3. Accents

I have always been a fan of accents when someone speaks. I am a bigger fan now. There are lots of them out this way, different, new, all kinds. It makes talking to people that much better. Accents are tout a fait delicieux!

2. Baltimore Basilica

I'm not religious, but can I tell you something? This is actually quite beautiful. I imagine it was busy on Easter Sunday, the first since it was restored. I wonder if those people enjoyed how lovely it must have been.

1. Words

Again, always been a big fan, but you know, words = good. Occasionally, I am at a loss for them. Yes, it's true. I am going to try to find the right ones, the positive ones, for awhile. I've been too negative and closed for a while, so it's time to change the frame. So here are some words I like right now either because of how they sound or what they mean: ersatz, croissant, please, crocus, lascivious, pasta, thistle, hydrate, yes, spring.

Your Crab Cake

Well, I am here. I will say no more on the subject other than to report that I have located the nearest liquor store (closed on Sundays in Maryland, fyi) and have purchased wine in a box. That should get me through the rough transition of, you know, moving here. At least until this Saturday when I must stock up because who wants to be boozeless on the Sabbath? Not I. Actually, that whole no liquor on Sunday business reminds me a little of Kansas, until you know, they rejected the notion of blue laws as ridiculous and outdated. I shall now attempt to end what could become something annoying which is: comparison shopping by state. I am now officially resolving never to say things like "Well, back where I came from, you could buy Diet Pepsi by the case for $5, here's it's sold only in 12 packs for the same damn price!" The price of beef reamins unchanged from my last visit and remarkably high. Maybe it's time for me to stop eating things with faces. Excluding of course, girls and such.

I am now proclaiming this blog free of nostalgic reminiscences of the Wild West Days and instead focus on the good things about The Crab. I will not be a bitter relocated malcontent. I will not be a whiny Midwestern transplant to the heartless cruelties that face me on the east coast. I vow to find the good in this state. Here is the first of what I am sure will be many many: The nice suburban mom in Safeway who informed me that Kelly's Liquors is just down the road about two miles and that if you really need booze on Sundays, you can get it as packaged carrout from restaurants (though it will be 3X as expensive). So thank you, Mrs. Suburban Maryland Mom. You have restored my faith that my time here will be full of pleasantries and bountifully helpful individuals.

Cleveland Rocks!

Ah yes, so my time in the Hoosier state has run its course. I drank shitty beer and pokered and second-hand smoked and cussed and ate fried food and visited peeps enough. It is time to go. I have had a few moments of feeling the emptiness of this place, but luckily it has been fleeting. I drove to my old small town and went by Mom's old house three times while I've been in town. Those are the times I remember that this state holds too many memories sometimes. It's ok though, most memories are good and I'm learning to let the most recent and sharpest ones fade a little. It's still tough to drive by the accident site, but you know, it gets a little less painful each time. For that, I'm thankful. Small blessings laid upon us...

So tomorrow I am making my way over to Cleveland. It's a shortish drive so it won't be bad. I'll be visiting my friend M from grad school and her fam. I cannot tell you how much wine will be consumed, but trust me, we kept many a vineyard in business back in the day (we also kept several other vice-makers in business as well -- this lead to a rather complicated yet complete theory of how "time" was really, like, a "circular tube" we all traveled around and like, a "deja-vu" was when you took the same path in that tube and met yourself where the "past" and "future" and "present" all intersected. Yeah...you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway. Yes). Plus, she's got a hottub as I have mentioned and you have no idea how there I am with that whole idea. Coincidentally, this will be the second year in a row I will be spending St. Patricks day with them. Last year was up in Portland OR before they moved which was very fun and during which beverages were consumed and it is possible that I might have done a jig of sorts. Like River Dance. Because I am limber. So yes, Cleveland will be a good time and then off to The Crab next week.

Even with all this Midwestern business, I have been thinking about Baltimore. I believe we'll be closer to there than DC, but again, it's all who knows out east. Maps are of no help, you have to figure out the distances with your own body, you know? So I'm wrapping my head around actually being there as opposed to the abstract concept of "moving there". I once mentioned that the only things I know about Baltimore are what I learned from John Waters. I think I'm going to have to rewrite that script a little bit. I have a few ideas in mind..

Ok, that's it for a while. I don't think I'll have the same kind of internet access from here until The Crab so peace out to my homies on the eastside and down south. This is how we roll here in the I to the N to the D. LLYAS! TTYL! Stay cool!

Does weary mean wiser?

Dear friends and foes,

Alas, I think this might be the last update for a while. Yes, the circus is leaving town and I must pack my bags and follow. This is the life of a trapzee groupie. We go where we must to watch others fly.

I need not tell you that I am barely standing. First, I have not slept decently in several weeks. Second, my friends have insisted on making me drink pretty much 24/7. Third, there's that whole packing/getting ready to move business (summary: lists of things to do, we sold the house yay!, endless sorting, where's my checkbook? errand running, will I need this? muscle strain/knots - thank god for a massage appointment monday, disassembling too much shit that I just assembled five months ago, trying to cram in last minute visits/lunches/drinks, etc etc, I could go on but why). And finally, my head's been completely off in Baltimore making future plans.

So yes. The upside is I've stumbled upon a fabulous weight loss plan! It's called stress and anxiety! You should try it! Why the fuck was I riding my bike and not drinking when I could drop pounds with no effort on my part at all. I'm actually a pretty laid back person, not Type A at all, so it's not like I'm running around wailing Stress! Anxiety! It's nicely internalized like any good Midwesterner but my body bears the brunt of it. Ah well, things could always be worse so one must buck up like a good little soldier and carry on.

So after this weekend, my internet access will be limited to driveby Starbucks and a lonely 12kb dialup modem in Indiana. I will be driving across country with two dogs and my ipod. I will be spending some time in the Hoosier state and some time in the Buckeye state before heading down to the Crab state.

What I am hoping to do for you is document my journey. You always wanted to see that scary big ass 150ft white cross off of I-70 in Effingham, Illinois, haven't you? Oh I will take a picture of it for you. I will also take pictures of gas stations in Missouri with their genuine walnut bowls for sale. I will take pictures of barren corn fields in Indiana. I will take a picture of Cleveland for you. I will take pictures of I don't even know what in Pennsylvania and wherever the hell else I have to drive through to get down to the Crab. God, I think maybe New Jersey might be involved. I may do a little mono-blogging while on this journey. I will upload these missives when/if I can.

Doesn't that sound like fun? Come now, a 1126.3 mile journey in my Honda Civic packed with things the movers won't take, two 60lb blacks dogs and me? You are up for that, don't lie to me. I can see it in your eyes, you so want to come with. You are itching to play some serious Texas Hold Em with my dad and me, drink lots of wine in a hottub in Cleveland, and get into a fist fight with me in New Jersey.

In fact, I'm so jealous of myself right now, I can barely stand it. Which is exactly why I am getting the fuck out of the house right now and going off to drink with A because she just called and reminded me that I will be gone in five days and hello, I still have obligations to fill as her gay girlfriend. This is how it has been for weeks now. I don't even know me anymore.

I'll check in when I can, post pictures and vids if possible, and think about you fondly while going slightly crazy for all the right and wrong reasons. Stay out of trouble until then, I shall miss all three of you who read this blog! See you in rehab!



Not driving away from myself
It's just myself drove away from me
And now I gotta get it back and it goes so fast, so I am traveling again

- Traveling (I) - Dar Williams