Suddenly everything has changed

So July has basically happened. Here is a random list of things from this month:

1. I was on a shaky carny Bullet ride with an 11 year old boy who freaked out when we reached the top and screamed bloody murder to be let off. All of Akron heard his freak.

2. I caught an 8 inch rock bass in Big Long Lake and released it. Limit is 15 inches because clearly the lake is a size queen.

3. I drank shitty beer at a brewery in Jefferson City MO while a bunch of suburban middle-aged hipsters (such as) played in a bocce ball tourney and had cutesy/ironic shirts with team names like Rolling Balls of Thunder and Bocce-celli Girls.

4. I went to a Cubs/Nats baseball game. It was as boring as I remember baseball being. I'm instituting a 5 inning rule in the event that I am taken to any subsequent games. Five innings is just enough time to have a hotdog, a few beers, scope the crowd for hotties, and be done before the crowds leave and you are stuck at Navy Yard in a throng of people with no way out of the Metro and about to lose your mind.

5. Divorced Blackberry and am sleeping with iPhone. I like like it, but I'm not in love with it. Yet. So I'm kinda seeing them both and neither one knows.

6. I have discovered a new species of Evaluati Whinerous. As a member of that phylum, I understand the sentiment, but cannot abide by the insufferable kvetching of that genus. My patience has run thin so pull yourselves together and buck up!

7. My new Boos Block cutting board probably makes me happier than it should. I did not realize that they are made in Effingham IL, which as you all know, is home to one big-ass highway Jesus cross. I will not hold this against my cutting board however.

8. Here is a brief text exchange that occurred yesterday with my strai friend A:

A: I don't think you even want to know what i did last night

Me: You better just tell me because I'm probably the only one who won't judge.

A: Well there was no coke but...

A: Sad and lots of boobs.

Me: Did you go to a strip club?

A: Uh yes.

Me: That is sad. Who did you go with and where? Or more impt, why?

A: That's what I'd like to know. It was not fun.

The end.

G-Star love

I forgot I took this pix while on vacation.



Could use a big dose of that again, I have to say.

Home of the 1994 Celine Dion wedding

Bonjour from Old Montreal:



Aside from a day almost lost due to (my ever-present) headache, this trip has been lovely, with my Canadian tour guide taking good care of me. Squeezing a tiny bit of sight-seeing in, but mostly indulging in vice/hedonism = eating/drinking/lounging/etc and by etc, I mean plus also attitude adjustment of the horizontal hanging out variety. Of which to say that I appreciate the hospitality of our friends up north. Especially when they speak french for me on occasion and go out for beers in their SB jacket. No complaints from me.



Time to go lounge about and enjoy a late afternoon drink. Adieu to you!

ETA: They love their hockey up here. Also, I miss you.

Manos

Speaking of hands over on Hobocamp, here's a good song for you: Manos.

And second of all, my mini-vacation starts in T-minus 48 hours. I'm going north for some serious R&R + etc = major attitude adjustment. As I understand it, Montreal is still in the thick of winter but no matter. I can assure you that I will not be blogging/tweeting/texting/emailing. I will be lounging about, enjoying Quebec-style hospitality with a certain Canadian habitant. French will be spoken. Allonge' will be sipped. Poutine will at least be considered. Et les mains. Most definitely.

My Magic Hat = awesome

Hi friends and neighbors! First off:



I'll tell you what! I have found the answer to your prayers.

Let me ask you these few simple questions:

1. Have you had a headache that has lasted for 7+ days, give/take a few?

2. Has the economy/foreclosures/unemployment/TAINTED PEANUTS! brought you down?

3. Have you been attacked by a chimp high on Xanax and green tea lately?

4. Are your Habs on a 10 game losing streak?

5. Has TAFKAP ever told U 2 act your age, mama, not your shoe size?

If you have answered yes to any of the following, I have found the exact thing that will make everything all better! Behold:



Yes, it's a Magic Hat hat! I put this sucker on today because it was chilly/rainy/cold, and I have to tell you, all my cares melted away and frankly, I felt no pain. It's magic! Plus also reversible!



Now, I'm not really a believer in magical thinking, but I have to say, my headache has gone away as a direct result of wearing this hat. AND I have not had my face chewed off by a chimp! That, my friends is proof positive. I rest my case. My job here is done. Make of this what you will. Goodnight!

Hi from Hotel California

Hi.I have checked in/do not anticipate checking out.

A view from the convertible:



The drive north. Lonely as a cloud in the golden state:



Lots more pictures and stories to come on this trip fo sho. Look for cameos by the Canadian's arm and possibly the ocean.

ETA: Enjoying a lovely Japanese garden..



And now it is time to put the top down and drive along the coast and unplug the phone and computer..no more work, lots more play.

ETA2: We decided we liked this beach the best, I'm going to pretend we're still there..



2.5 more days on the left coast and 2.5 more days with my Canadian = ready to be done with the former, way not enough time left on the latter.

ETA3: So obviously, I am back. Two weeks away is a long time and I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel it for awhile too. I have three more travel trips between now and the end of June and honestly, all I want to do is hole up somewhere quiet and away from people. I'm getting that familiar not-liking-people feeling again and mostly that is from being forced to interact and be mentally engaged without the requisite downtime. It most definitely affects my mood and behavior, as evidenced by the fact that it took forever for me to relax even a tiny bit when I was on the most perfect beach or among big huge old redwoods with someone I love spending time with. I couldn't turn it off even for her. Which sucks. And I'm sorry.

So flying back, we had to divert around these huge columns off anvil-shaped clouds and I could see them boiling up as we flew by. I later learned that those were the tornadoes over Kansas yesterday and that made me miss home. Like pack up the dogs and drive out west and stay there out on those prairies kinda missing. The time change has me all screwed up and I can't seem to let go of all the shit I have waiting for me back at the office to do and getting my ducks all in that pretty row without a chance to say how nice before I have to prepare for the next thing and the next trip and whatever. Clearly, I'm burning things from both ends a bit too much right now and I'm not particularly appreciating it nor am I able to figure out how to balance. This will be on my list of things to do..in July.

Things I lost (in the fire): The power adapter for my iBook, a firewire, my ipod connector, my chance

Things I found: Two cool rocks and a painfully white shell, the temperature in CA changes from HOT to chilly to HOT to windy to cool to dirty to windy to HOT to perfect in one car ride, the blackberry off button is just an illusion

Things I miss: That beach with you.

half a dozen of the other

Well it's nice to have some days off in this new place, let me tell you. I've done a few unpacking things, putting my desk together for what feels like the millionth time, doing laundry, grocery etc. But honesty? I have been doing pretty much nothing but relaxing and napping and breathing and not thinking and not talking to anyone. It's been fantastic. Very much needed.

And so, on this perfect day where it's raining and stormy and dark and cool, I'm kicked back and catching up on a little bit of this:



Mmmm, Starbuck, it's been too long. You can watch full episodes here. Yay for Sundays!

asteroid at 5 o'clock = end times!

So a couple of things in no particular order for no particular reason:

1. After watching football today, I'm capping off the evening with one of my favorite things: Disaster Porn! Have you ever noticed how many shows on the History Channel or National Geographic are all about megadisasters and the like? It's awesome! I love entertaining those last few seconds before a black hole sucks us all in. Apparently, our bodies will be ripped apart and skin torn off. Good times! Tomorrow on the History Channel it's all about what happens to the earth when people cease to exist. It is called Life After People. You already know I love that shit. Don't miss it.

2. I have somehow managed to slice both of my thumbs deeply without knowing the how or the when. Like I'd literally do nothing and then look down and see blood and a cut and have no idea how it happened. I have my theories (and they don't involve drugs/alcohol/mental illness) but no proof. Our ultimate demise is going to come via a series of small invisible cuts to our most valuable body parts. Like our thumbs. Or hearts. And we won't even notice it's happening until it's too late, right? It's just a working theory though so I could be wrong. Waiting on more data/injury.

3. I was at Home Depot today with the agent looking at potential countertops and flooring for her house. This was loads of fun. It is my favorite thing. I love pouring over laminates and matching tiles. I am being facetious. This is my worst nightmare. This is why gay men and/or interior designers exist Which is not a knock on my brethern. Some people have an eye for such things. I only have opinions. Not a big fan of laminate. Pass on oak. Are we done yet? I will be in the tool section crying over the table saw I had to sell on craigslist. I have not used my dremel in over a year. I miss wood. Not oak though. The end.

4. Remember that walk in the woods the other day? With the video and the snow and the Canadian? Yeah. That was nice. *sigh* But I found a tick on the baby dog yesterday right by her eye. I thought it was just eye goop and didn't think anything of it until I realized it was round. And tick-like. Who knew Maryland ticks can live in winter? Answer=the tick that I pulled off and sent on her way to the big dog in the sky that is who. Just an FYI.

5. I wish I could report something more interesting than the fact that I went to Petsmart on Sat to buy dog food and someone simply let their dog take a shit in aisle 36 and left it there for me to step in. I am living the life you can only dream of and wish for, admit it.

Everyone's a building burning
with no one to put the fire out.
Standing at the window looking out,
waiting for time to burn us down.
Everyone's an ocean drowning
with no one really to show how.
They might get a little better air
if they turned themselves into a cloud

- Blame it on the Tetons - Modest Mouse

+ kitchen sink

Here is the thing: I have had a headache constantly since Tuesday morning and I have muscle knots the size of my own breasts on my shoulders/back so I'm feeling a little bit like Rocky Dennis looks. Maybe? Anyway, point being I have no intention of whining beyond the above. Instead I will tell you that I am getting like a full 1.5 hour massage (with release!) tomorow and this makes me so happy I could cry. I'm self-medicating this evening, clearly. And Bob's your uncle.

Second thing is I bought myself an early Xmas present with a hard-won bonus from Robotech, Inc which is the fictitious name of my workplace from this point forth. [As an aside, this is the first 'corporate' job I've had - I reluctantly had to leave the cushy (but low paying) academic world behind. As such, I totally thought that the concept of a "bonus" was made up shit for movies about corporate life. Who knew they actually exist and people get them? I say bring on the bonuses!] Where was I? Oh yes, early Xmas present = brand new Blackberry Pearl. I love it almost more than is healthy. I will marry it in Massachusetts in the spring, we will do the hokey pokey and honeymoon in Poughkeepsie. Sorry ladies, I'm now off the market.

Third thing is Skype. Whoever invented this deserves the Nobel Peace Prize and I am only half kidding. Where was this like 15 years ago when my phone bill to long distance girlfriend #1 was $300? Though I guess the webcam itself had to be invented. And a connection faster than dialup 2400 baud had to exist. This was in the day when wireless meant etching your email in stone and throwing it to your neighbor in the next cubicle. Man I love Skype so much I think I will designate it as my Other Woman. Don't tell my new wife but hello, free calls to any computer in the world?? With video?? I'm so there. Anyone from Tehran wanna holla at me? We can discuss something nippy fucky live! Or resolve the apparent misunderstanding that exists between us. Whatever, it's cool. And free! Who are we to pass that up?

It is clear that this post is going nowhere fast so I will end it on a serious note. Can I tell you something? I made the best fried pasta dish in the entire world and I feel it's only right to share the recipe with you. It's for your own good and I worry about you.

(ps. I stole this recipe from my crazy Alg friend, if you recall, stayed in New Orleans during Katrina and coped with it by drinking three bottles that night)

Pasta du Fool

Ingreds:
1. 1/2 of a red pepper and a green pepper, diced
2. finely chopped fresh basil, oregano, thyme
3. Spaghetti
3. olive oil
4. soy sauce
5. salt/pepper
6. romano cheese
7. cayenne pepper or a dab of hot sauce if you like it spicy

Process:
Boil the spaghetti with the fresh diced peppers added to the water. When finished, drain and put in bowl. Toss in herbs, enough olive oil to coat the pasta, and a couple of tablespoons or so of soy sauce. Mix this all up with salt/pepper.

In a hot non-stick skillet (or cast iron!) with a bit of olive oil in it, put pasta in and let fry. Don't stir it, let it get crispy on one side then turn the mixture over. If you've got the right skillet, you could flip it like a pancake but I do not advise this if you are drinking by the way. Fry the pasta up on that side as well until it crisps up too and at the last minute, sprinkle fresh romano on top of the pasta and put a lid on it. Let the cheese melt a bit. Eat and try denying that it is the best thing you've ever had and maybe start making your plans now to have a civil union with it in New Jersey or something.

Goodnight!

accoutrements of democracy

To be honest, all this boring talk of work and travel and whatever else I write about is getting to me. Metro this, DC that. No one really cares, right? Instead, for just one damn post, I am going to talk about sex because this is America and we do that here. I talk all the time about my friend A and her sex life, but what about me and my needs? Seriously. I feel like I've let my friends from Iran down by not focusing on what's really important in this crazy fucked up world. Namely: nookie.

I'm a big fan, first off. Let's get that out of the way. Big fan, even bigger advocate, and frankly, an enthusiastic practioner. There are very few things I dislike about it. As long as it doesn't involve children, animals, snuff films, or the use of bodily waste products, I pretty much give a thumbs up. Some things do fall under the category of whatever-floats-your-boat-but-I'll-sit-this-ride-out-thanks such as things that scare me/not in a good way, furries, and pretending to be a baby who needs diapered. I'm also not so much into sticking a bunch of pins or needles in my/anyone else's body and I can't say I'd be up for trying to break any world records involving length/girth/quantity. That's just me.

So what floats my boat? I have made a handy list and I heartily recommend you at home make your own so that you can create your own consciousness raising moments on your next trip to Home Depot or the grocery store. Here are things or situations or personality types or physical attributes or whatnot that turn/turned me on in some way/shape/form and that have led to, would lead to, might be involved in some aspect of, or could be totally unrelated to sex with me.

ps. This is list not exhaustive and is subject to change. Also I am not currently drunk or drinking (despite my slow descent into alcoholism thanks to my anon lurker, hi!). No, I don't know what got into me. Maybe I'm just trying to spread a little democracy to Iran before we invade them too. Bring a little nippy fucky into their lives before its too late.

Enough talk/more action, in no particular order/rhyme/reason or related to any one person/place/thing, that which floats my boat:

1. I love power dynamics in bed and out of bed. Dominant/submissive, top/bottom, control/vulnerability, strength/weakness. The more subtle the cues, the better. I'm no fan of in your face theatrics or stereotypical power scenes. That stuff is too affected, too easy, too obvious. I want you or me to know who's in charge by the way your body moves or doesn't, by the way a word is said or how silence is used, or by what the look in your eyes. Throw in liberal use of the words please and thank you, please. Thanks.

2. Talking before/during/after sex. See above but also include descriptions of actions taken or to be taken, reactions to events, feelings regarding actions or events, and a soft endearment thrown in to throw things off. And be desperate when saying it or be demanding or coaxing or encouraging or out of control. Also words like fuck and god are never wrong. Also lots of other words that would be banned in Iran and possibly Iowa.

3. Accoutrements. I am someone who loves her tools, her camping gear, and her cookware. To me this is a no brainer. I am all about the functionality and feng shui. Use it or lose it.

4. Girls with guns. Sorry, it's a fetish, can't help it. Love it. NRA can suck it, but give that girl a gun. And hello, this pix of Starbuck? So many things right with that. (Win, here's a secret: this would also totally fall under #3 for me, write that story and we're gold).

5. This

6. Having sex or sex-like activities in public places that goes unnoticed by the public. I don't have any fantasies about being seen or being caught, I just really like the idea of having to hide what's going on while acting like nothing is happening when something is totally happening and all kinds of things are going on.

7. Fine, I like lacy silky undergarments, is that a crime?

8. Kneeling. Um

9. Hands in hair pushing someone's head down or being pushed down. Umm.

10. I wouldn't mind another threesome or more given the right mix of people. Ummm.

11. Scott Speedman, Jake G, Tony Gonzalez, and young John Cusack = boys I'd totally do.

12. Leaving visible marks on skin, perferably the back of the neck or the softest part of you. Wherever you choose.

13. I am thinking that really this is just kind of the tip of the iceberg and I am leaving out all kinds of other things that are more private even though posting this is probably a little too public for my normal preference for privacy but you know, there's way more to life than riding the damn Metro and going to work every day and guess what people generally like having sex me included and if you don't that's ok too but my point is here you go a post that I wouldn't normally write even though if you knew me, you'd know I have no problems discussing and/or having sex and hello, it's my favorite vice so why not sing its praises I say.

Can I get an Amen?

aww yeah

Heya..so two things. First being that Grace Potter rocked hard and was fucking hot. Seriously, check her out live if you can. Few things I appreciate more than a gal who does music all sexy-like, guitar, drums, it all works for me. Were it not for the band's no-photo/video policy and a very observant staff member, I would be posting some blurry pix and a couple of videos. Alas/alak, I was forced to delete them all and retrieve my camera at the end of the show. Oh well, can't say I didn't try. We didn't stay for the main act, Govt Mule, who frankly, I don't know much about and didn't really care to stay and listen. Instead we went down to Chinatown and had a drink before calling it an early night. I'm glad I went and now that I know where the 930 club is, feel ok about going again, alone if need be. It's not in a bad section, mostly, but you know, it's like what Missy Elliot says Hatas' I flip the bird, Got guns, so what, I ain't scurred. Or something sim.

Second thing is that I finally got to watch my Chiefs on my regular tee-vee today. For some reason, they showed the KC-Cincy game here and I was one happy camper. Esp since they won and my football boyfriend Tony G was a man among boys. Yeah, for him, I'd consider life on the "D" list, knowwhatI'msaying? I kid, but seriously. I'd let my friend A have his child for me.

I think that's about it..this week is gonna be a bit crazy. Got a killer deadline in which to do a very tedious, time-consuming task that trust me, would burn your eyes out with bore. I have to go to Florida next week for work (woo, holla Tampa!) so a million things need to get done before then. Plus I got a bit more car-buying razamatazz to finish up with financing and this and that. However, let me just say, that when I said that my new ride was smooth, I was actually under-exaggerating. They say things like butter and a shave are smooth, but I am here to tell you that my new Honda Accord sees your smooth and raises you on up to SMOOOOVE, baby. Fine, I totally would have sex with my own car. There. You happy? It's true. And frankly, I happen to think you'd put out for my car too.