What not to do

For reasons I would rather not get into, I have pulled/strained/bruised my entire back and every muscle in it. I actually think I bruised my spine, no joke. As further punishment, I was hung over for most of the day yesterday. Good times...not.

It was a nice and balmy 102 today - sloth weather. I hate it.

I can't wait until we actually get into the house so I have something to do and focus on - I think I'm starting to go nuts. As my friend and I once discovered while eating mushrooms (yes, those kind), if your actions are not goal-directed (i.e., you have a sense of purpose for everything you do), your whole sense of being breaks down. We discovered many Universal Truths that night to be honest, but I'm digging the whole goal-directed thing right now. Without any, you can find yourself adrift. And you know what that means: Existential Crisis! Good times, good times. See, this is what the heat does to me, saps any energy or motivation and I'm left to scribble terribly melancholy blog entries about The Meaning Of Life (or Lack Thereof). You can correctly conclude that I am no Joy to be around these days, but alas, the sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar! Fear for me, I'm quoting Annie. Goodnight!

And I, wanting to be great to you, said Oh Yes..

Viv posted an Anne Carson poem that I really liked and I just now realized why: It reminds me of my favorite translation of Rilke. There are many translations, but I like this one:


I'm too alone in the world, and yet not
alone enough
to make every hour holy.
I am too small in the world, and yet not
tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.

I want my will, and I want to be with
my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
I want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.

I want always to be a mirror that reflects
your whole being,
and never to be too blind or too old
to hold your heavy, swaying image.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere do I want to remain folded,
for where I am bent and folded, there
I am lie.

And I want my meaning
true for you. I want to describe myself
like a painting that I studied
closely for a long, long time,
like a word I finally understood,
like the pitcher of water I use every day,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship
that carried me
through the deadliest storm of all.

Remember nothing and ..

ps. I'm excited, The Agent picked up one of these shirts for me today, it's so very perfect:

What lies beneath

So the Big Dog has been obsessed with something under the deck for like, weeks. She's constantly sniffing between the boards and trying to dig along the edges a little. Whenever I look out, she's on guard. I have narrowed down the possibilities based on the available evidence: a turtle - there's a particular box turtle that's been haunting our yard for a year or two, found it once in the garage, once in the garden, and many times in the yard. It has a little tear on the shell so it's the same one. Maybe it's made its home under the deck; a little salamander/newt/gecko thing - I looked out the window the other day and saw this little 3 inch thing making its way through the dogs' yard by the deck and crawl up under the stone steps. So, I think that's what we're talking about here. Luckily, Big Dog is on the job protecting us from such.

Last night I went into town for a going-away party - couple of friends are moving out to Portland. In fact, it's my friend R who A and I used to go out for coffee with etc. Anyway, we set her up with a mutual friend the very day of our winter excursion and now they're together and headed off to new digs. Very happy for her. Party was nice and mellow and I got home early enough last night which is good. I've been keeping weird hours so getting back on schedule is a good thing.

Finally, The Agent is being a curmudgeon. So you know we're moving next month, but in the current little suburban subdivision we live in, they're having this Neighborhood Watch/Night Out ice cream social thing. No big, I think it's nice for ppl to know their neighbors. This year, however, they planned for it to occur basically right in front of our house. We're at the end of the street so it's a logical choice and I guess at the last meeting, they thought we'd already be gone. Because they set up tents and shit, cops and firefighters stop by etc etc., it can be quite a gathering. And there are more houses/ppl than there were last year. I don't really care, it's no big to me. So when The Agent finds out that it's going to be in front of our house, she's gets all curmudgeonly about it and wants them to move it. So I had to promise her that we'd simply park the car somewhere accessible and we'd go out to dinner and movie that night. She gets all weirded out about too many people mingling in her social space. I'm the opposite. I say, bring em on, the more the merrier! (Things must be pretty boring in DC right now because she's called me all week and twice already today professing to miss me - I sense a hook up when she gets back ;)

That's a wrap. Oh, and here's what the Big Dog is doing now that I brought her in:

Hot Hot Heat

Yeah, so it's a hundred here. Pretty typical summer in the middle of the country. I've always hated the heat, it's way too draining and as it is, my energy level is low so I'm moving at a snail's pace most days.

So let's see, I went to Indiana to visit my dad and sister last weekend. Long drive across Missouri and Illinois - 70 never changes. The trip was as it has been: equal parts depressing/sad and familiar. Seems like every time I go home, I come back with fodder for my therapist. Good times! Spent most of the time fishing with my dad and slowly driving a pontoon around Big Long Lake. There's something oddly relaxing driving a large platform .5 knots/hr - no one ever rushes anywhere on a pontoon. I used to fish quite a bit with my dad and still enjoy it, neither one of us are talkers so we sit there in the sun watching for our bobbers to move, occasionally one of us will whisper "here fishy fishy". It was nice, even though I felt like I consumed 2 cases of Bud Light and had one heck of a sunburn. Still..it feels empty and strange every time I go back.

Other news is that while there, we made an offer on a house in a new town and will be moving the middle of next month. So there's lots to do between now/then. Luckily half the stuff is already packed and the remaining shouldn't take too long. Don't think we won't be hiring guys with a truck to move all our shit. I've moved my own stuff enough times over the years to be done with that. Plus we've got big heavy shit and it will be hot. I have no qualms spending that money. Very excited though about the new place, 2.3 acres on the outskirts of town. Lots of room, even a detached shop. I can't even tell you how excited I am to be back near my peeps. Even though I lived 35 mins away, the drive to/from for visits was annoying and limiting. I will actually be able to entertain again. And cook for more than 2 people! And have good restaurants to go to! And shows! And we won't be living here in this god awful city! Praise the baby jesus!

So last night at 2:15am, I hear guy voices outside our bedroom window. Now, on that side of the house, there's basically an open field and people just don't go traipsing through it, esp at that hour. So the dog barks, I get up, and our motion light goes off and I see this teenager jogging to the road. I go to the front window and the dogs are barking and there are about 4 guys walking down the road. I don't think they were doing anything more than drinking beer and wandering around. I even go outside after they passed to make sure they were headed on down the road and not out slashing tires/stealing hubcaps. I considered calling the cops, but decided they weren't causing any serious trouble and I was young once, sneaking out drinking beer in the middle of the night during the summer. So during this entire event, dogs barking and me checking out the situation, The Agent is snoring. This morning I had to inform my little law enforcement officer that she was seriously sleeping on the job. She was all "why didn't you wake me up!" and truthfully, if I was actually scared of these kids, I would have. But it was no big (other than being slightly startling). She left this morning for two weeks of training in DC so I'm bachloretting it up (hello, cocaine and strippers!). I did ask that she leave one of her Glocks here with me, just in case - you know how I feel about guns in general (well, beyond the fetish!), but I had to admit that I'd rather have it handy than not should something occur in the middle of the night again. Aim high, shoot low..

So what else? I've been listening to lots of Beck lately, Guero. Other stuff. Does anyone really care what's on someone else's iPod? I doubt it, but here's what's been playing tonight on mine:

Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits
Drive - Melissa Ferrick
Hurt - Johnny Cash
I'll Be You - The Replacements
Ceremony - New Order
Lazy Line Painter Jane - Belle and Sebastian
Blue Veins - The Raconteurs
Black Star - Gillian Welch (awesome cover of Radiohead's song)
17 Days - Prince

and

"Broken Drum"

I see you there
Your long black hair
Your eyes just stare
Your mind is turning

You know I'll laugh
And I won't take it back
I've seen your eyes I know
What your thinking

And one by one
We'll shoot our guns
We'll have fun
Don't ever doubt it

And when I say
Fare thee well
My only friend
Oh how the days go

Your setting sun
Your broken drum
Your little drugs

I'll never forget you
Never
Forget
You - Beck

Tumble Queens