Your Guide to Gay-Straight Girlfriendship

Ok, so I've mentioned my friend A here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and if you were lucky and quick enough, here. What I failed to mention is that she is my straight girlfriend and I am her gay girlfriend. Our relationship is completely platonic, completely codependent, and we both bitch about how each of us never put out for the other. Do you have a straight girlfriend too? Is she impossibly femme and you less inclined to purchase matching bra/panty sets (but appreciative of said sets nonetheless)? Do you bicker like an old married couple? Does she date only athletic black men and do you have your own girlfriend at home? If so, you have a straight girlfriend and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

One of the reasons my friend A is all sobby these days is because she believes that she will never be able to replace me as her gay girlfriend when I leave. Which is very true. I don't like to toot my own horn (much!) but I do not think she will find another gay woman who will put up with her shit like I do. Straight girls (god love 'em) are HIGH maintenance and my friend A in particular, puts the HI into HIGH. So, our goal for the next two months is to find her a gay girlfriend. Pickins' are slim around here so I have a feeling she will be without the practical skills I brought into the relationship. I worry. So I've put together a little checklist of abilities and qualities I am looking for in my replacement. Putting it out here on the internets in advance of my departure is just the kind of forward-thinking we're looking for in a gay girlfriend. These are just suggestions and some are very A-specific, but can also be used as a guide for others looking to replace themselves in a gay-straight platonic girlfriendship should the need arise.

A Gay Girl's Guide to Being Your Straight Friend's Gay Girlfriend

1. Be willing and able to discuss the finer points of heterosexualPIV sex. This includes having no problem discussing size and quality of male appendages (all three parts of it, it's a set). However, feel free to make variations of the following remarks when appropriate: "Well, as you know, my girlfriend and I never have that problem..." or "Hmmm, most women I've been with are actually quite good at that.." or "Wow. Yeah. That is exactly why I love pussy instead. Good luck!".

2. Be willing to discuss the following purchases in great detail: clothes, underwear, dishware, shoes - seriously, lots of shoes, jewelry, anything. If asked an opinion regarding any purchase or potential purchase, be decisive and stick with it. No wishy-washiness on potential choices, this only breeds indecision and thus, expends a great deal of time re-evaluating the purchase or potential purchase. You are there to be The Decider so decide!

3. Cock-block and obfuscate potential skeevy dudes from hitting on your straight girlfriend. While your goal is to help her get laid and thus, stop her from whining about how she's not getting laid every time you see her, you must be choosy about whom she whores around with or that will become an endless point of subsequent processing and discussion. Pretend to be the pissed off girlfriend whose girlfriend is getting hit on by a guy. If that fails, feel free to pull guy aside and mention friend's recurring case of The Itch and Burn. You are not besmirching her reputation - drastic times call for drastic measures. She will understand the next day when you don't tell her.

4. Agree that saying the word "jizz" outloud never gets old.

5. In fact, develop a business plan around marketing jizz-related items on the internet because who doesn't love a little jizz? Oh right, the lesbians, but fuck them, they're not our market anyway. Cum Queen on a t-shirt? You bet! Pearl necklaces? Big sellers!

6. Be an active participant in the repetition and creation of new phrases and words. Boozebian (straight girl until drunk, then gay for the night!); Strai (reclaiming the word "gay" from the phrase "That is so gay" and replacing it with a shortened version of "straight"..now it's something that's gayer than gay, it's strai!); and current favorite saying on heavy rotation: I don't even know you anymore.

7. Do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances sleep with your straight girlfriend. This defeats the entire purpose, for god's sake.

8. However, do acknowledge, when pressed by her (because she will ask), that your straight girlfriend is hot and sure, if you had to sleep with her, fine, you would consider it but you are not going to do it no matter how much booze is involved and/or how nice her rack is or any other reason she may throw out there.

9. Deal with emotional outbursts and sobs by trying not to say outloud "I get this shit enough from my girlfriend!" This will only exacerbate the problem.

10. Together, devise an elaborate plan to get straight friend impregnated by a star athlete or by pimping her out to lonely old rich men with dream of living in the style of which you've become accustomed. Be only half-joking.

11. Receive and send text messages all hours day/night with such gems as "Stop bothering me", "What do you want?", "I am too busy for this", "You are so strai", "Fine", "Fine", "Goodbye".

12. Be willing to accept that your relationship will look and sound odd to outsiders who will not understand the complexity of gay-straight girlfriendship. This isn't a lifestyle choice, this is a career and hobby. Did people give Will and Grace this kind of shit? I think not, so tell them to step back.

13. Your necessary mantra: patience, patience, patience.


ETA 14. You must be able and willing to answer any/all email sent during the day, like the one you just received from said girlfriend about some phone call she got last night:

the woman answered, said she was with this service that basically
would say whatever the impaired person said, blah, blah...then she
said, "I saw your name on a bathroom wall and it said to call for a
good time..." I was like WHAT THE H*LL?!?!?! I guess she must have
typed that because then she said something about "blah, blah, ass..."
or something like that. I had the phone away from my ear. I then said
i don't won't to talk to this person, asked her what was going on,
and she said, "D-O-N-G...do you want it?" I hung up. She read it in
this dead-pan voice. It really freaked me out. Oh, and at the
beginning, I asked who it was...she said she didn't know and couldn't
tell me.

ETA 15. Decide to use DONG more and often.