Check it, we get some pub from our big city friends. When you make the garden section of the NY Times, you know you've arrived!
ETA: One would think that the only gay people in Kansas are old Johnson county couples who host potlucks! Where are the hot young things I see up on campus and the queens who own that bed and breakfast just outside of Salina? The sample size was pretty small and not very representative.
In other news, I have self-diagnosed my nose as having a staph infection and have decided that after 3 days of intense pain/swelling, that perhaps I should see a doctor. As you know, I myself am a doctor and have absolutely no qualms about diagnosing myself and others in all matters of psychological, physical, and hair style problems. Given my background in the liberal arts and sciences, I am trained in all manner of illness, particularly those stemming from Jonathan Frazen dysphoria. I once diganosed a friend with acute depression as simply being protein-deficient and overly carbed. A piece of my homemade meatloaf perked her right up. I also removed several pieces of gravel from this same friend's knee following a bike wreck, using the Stoli I was drinking as an antiseptic. I am actually not kidding. I have painlessly and efficiently removed skin tags (tip: sanitize a nail clipper in alcohol first!). I routinely work with my hair consultant Roxanne on afterhour hair emergencies. We once spotted a bi-level at 10pm, but alas, it was too late to save it, neither one of us had scissors at the bar. Finally, I find that nothing cures what ails you like good sex and thus, in my professional opinion, suggest that treatment for most individuals. Point being, though, I am not a miracle worker, I have no actual (sanctioned) medical training and I cannot prescribe antibiotics; thus I must bite the bullet and go the doctor today and figure out what the fuck is going on with my nose and drug up before New Years Eve. It's the only way...
ETA: Folliculitis! With staph! Just as I suspected! Antibiotics, good times! So while I was there at the doctor's office, the nurse was asking me some Qs about my nose and she goes: "So I have to ask, any drug use, you now, like cocaine?" And part of me was screaming to say: "Only off a stripper's ass, is that a bad thing to do?" Then I said something about how strict The Agent is about all those illegal things and then the nurse goes into this story about how she used to do hair removal in a gyno office (yeah, that kind) and she once had a lesion up in her nose and the staff was freaked out about whether herpes could be an airborne transmitted disease and the doctor asked if she might have herpes and she was all like hell no, and I want a STD test! I don't know, it was just a strange story to follow up on and she never did tell me what caused her lesion but in my professional opinion, she probably picked her nose just a little too vigorously. I find that in a lot of the people who seek my guidance. Keep your fingers out of your nose, people, or you'll end up with folliculitis and a staph infection and I will not feel the least bit sorry for you. That is all.
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4 comments:
Hey babes...hope your nose is feeling lots better. Hey take care, that staph can get pretty nasty and they can hurt like hell.
You are so right though about fingers in noses. Like after shaking hands from strangers...I use Purell hand sanitizer. It's not that i'm a clean freak, but who knows where their hands have been. Like when you're in a public bath room like a restaurant and a girl girls just walks out of a stall and walks right out the door without washing her hands...ewww! Um...was that out waitress? okay maybe I'm a clean freak.
Another thing, have you noticed that your finger, which ever one you use, always fits perfectly in your nose...hum, odd huh? Not that I would ever try things like that. hehehe. Later babes...have a Happy New Year. Cheers...and be safe. One more thing sweetie, thank you for the laughs this past year...you rock.
And thanks for reading, spiky. I'm pretty sure only you and vivvy read this blog, who else is crazy enough to care about my nose? ;)
Have a good new year!
Sweetie, I still remember the time we were in the desert (peyote, spiritual quest, threesome with that state trooper) and I felt a tingling, gushing sensation upon my foot...
"Boy, my foot feels strange!" I exclaimed.
You immediately knew what was wrong. "Of course, darling. A prairie dog just chewed off your big toe." After shooting the offending critter with the state trooper's revolver, you proceeded to re-attach my toe with dental floss and various utensils from your Swiss Army knife. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without your doctorly expertise.
Hey, I care about your nose, too. Especially when it makes me giggle like a crazy person. Thanks for the laugh and best of luck with your continued self-diagnosis in 2007.
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