you and your anchor tattoo

I'm tired and unclear why I am still awake right now. Been kind of a whirlwind of various/sundry and it's not really going to stop anytime soon. No, it's not going to stop until you wise up. Or so they say.

The good thing is that I am busy and things are good and lots going on and some potential romance and the hot weather is breaking and the kids on campus make me feel old because they are so young and I am not sure where the summer went and canoe trip coming up and texas and football season and the cicadas are still loud loud and I'm trying not to think about you and failing most of the time and the moon is out tonight and a storm is coming in and this:

We are hummingbirds who lost the plot

Hello to you!

Here is what I have done today: coffee in the morning and by coffee I mean meeting the boys down to have a diet pepsi in front of the coffee shop and reading the paper, two - phone call, phone call, email email email, phone call, email email, next I came home and took a tiny nap and then I rode my bike downtown and the rest of the evening was spent socially. I'm looking forward to going to bed and doing sort of the same thing tomorrow.

Another thing that happened is my mortgage was finally approved after scanning/copying/signing every scrap piece of paper and transaction record including how many times over the past years I have slept with people I regret (5ish). Fucking prisoners clearly have had it less tedious than I have. Despite all that, I am now almost an official homeowner. The reasons I am excited about this are many but suffice to say, I cannot wait. I don't get too sentimental about too many things but I do have to say that owning my own piece of property and land feels pretty good. Also being able to do whatever I want with it without worrying about a landlord or whatever is woo hoo.

So I like my Saturdays b/c it involves sleeping in a little getting some coffee/catching up, farmers market, a little lunch and then possibly a nap. I will make all of that happen and also do work work at my office office. Wish me luck in self motivating.

Right now, that's all I have to say. I should probably start packing and planning my move but honestly, most of my stuff is still in boxes (oh hai, remember when I kept boxes in my last apt unopened for over a year?) so it will be easy. If I can get my shit together for a yard sale next weekend, I will be happy to tell you all about the colorful characters living in my neighborhood such as the guy who broke into his own apt window and ran off with stuff and on whom I summoned the cops on Monday. If not, I will try to fill you in of house details when able. I'm pretending that the next month or so is not as full of travel as it actually will be and that I don't have a million things to do. Complaining is for babies.

Also coming to a store near you: Predict how I will feel about having to return to DC in less than a month! Win prizes for my reaction to being on the Metro again! Feel the love!

This is the one

In addition to footfalls the size of Yao De-Fen (world's tallest woman, FYI), the upstairs neighbors own what I assume to be a tiny wooden mallet which they are using to hammer nails into the floorboards for no apparent reason I can conjure. Therefore, I hate them.

So with that in mind, I will briefly also tell you that I have 'hottub arm' which I sustained this past weekend while in Cleveland. Apparently, if you hang out in the hottub for a long period of time doing nothing but bringing a glass of mimosas to your mouth, you possibly tear a rotator cuff or weaken a key muscle in your shoulder and become unable to lift heavy objects. Best to stick to tiny wooden mallets. Or tiny wooden hands. The more you know...

What else? I am attending a scotch tasting class tomorrow eve and am excited about that. I'll prep a webinar on it after and invite you all. Are you not interested in learning about the classic malts? There will be a pop quiz involving questions such as Is this fabulous or fantastique? and Have we tried this one? Which one do we like? Etc etc.

Oh, and the baby goats have arrived on the farm. This is not a euphemism. I'm excited and hopeful about the whole thing.

I need a nap now, goodnight!

Singing morphine alarms out of tune

Fine fine, no one wants to admit that they'd buy a vegetable garden. Whatever. Denial is sad.

More importantly, does anyone want to admit that they are traveling to Kentucky and Ohio this week/weekend? No? Well fine, I will. Do not knock the south/rust belt states please. It shall be a combo of work and cooking and drinking and hottubs and fireplaces and etc. Frankly, I do not think there are any other states in the country that can beat that potential so there.

What else? I blew off a 2 hours "webinar" today after the first hour. You would too if it went on until 6pm and you had heard it all before and you were running late for dinner plans. I feel no guilt.

I also am not going to speak about the Metro of late because I have nothing good to say except that it's why people in this city are so serious/cranky/mean, myself included. Major issues with commuting these days so therefore I shall dream about a day (maybe soon) when I can ride my bike to work. I am also dreaming of alot of things lately that do not involve this city and all of these people. No one finds your own dreams interesting so I will not tell you about the dream I had this morning where I had this cool watch that had a doppler radarfunction on it and so I could see the line of storms coming right before I got caught in a major downpour. You tell me.

This will lift your spirits:

Who wants cake?

While I'm thinking about it and waiting for our epic snowstorm, here are a few things I wish someone would invent and/also some random observations I made while serving time in prison. In no particular order:

1. Is there a way to block getting your Facebook friends' incessant updates on their Farmville progress in your newsfeed? If I have to read about another friend finding a lonely lost calf wandering in their field, I will defriend post haste. Invent this ASAP or give me the dets of how to STOP THE FARMVILLE MADNESS. Thank you. (ETA: I found the secret to hiding the fuck out of this application on FB just now. My fool friends are lucky)

2. I also want a new iPhone app and Tweetdeck modification that will allow me to follow these damn lists I have created because Twitter offered that handy option. I need this on my mobile situation so I don't have to go to the Twitter page to follow a list because hello how else am I going to follow the #eastcoaststormofthecentury at work/metro/in bed? Make this happen someone.

3. Could I please get a volunteer to go upstairs and tell my neighbor that her footfalls make her sound fat? Is that mean? Yes, yes it is but after 6 months of hearing her insist upon walking around in her own apt, I think it is warranted. I never claimed to be kind.

4. I recently came out. Like tonight. Yes I Am Finding Kristen Stewart Hot These Days Sue Me. I care not about her actressy skills or the fact that she is half my age. *cough* Have you seen the trailer for Runaways? I rest my case and also never claimed not to have a thing for bad girls. Fine whatever.

5. I suppose no one cares that I am in the playoffs for my fantasy football league but me. Don't come calling when I win that 150 bucks. Now I ain't saying you a gold digger...

My final thought for the evening is this: Lady GaGa - fan of ugly, things that are free, drama, designing criminals, horror/psycho, fashion, and vertical sticks. Oh and also love + romance, esp of the bad variety.

ETA: Snow pictures from this morning. Prob 10" at this point and still coming down.





ETA #2: Dogs in snow

They've never shined so bright

Hello to you. Have you recovered from the blizzard that affected 2/3rds of the country but completely missed us with just a few rain showers? I want to be in the path of a blizzard again. Just FYI.

Let's see, what else? I think last time I posted I was in the grip of a bout of insouciance re: my fellow man, myself, and everyone I know. I am slowly pulling myself out of that by focusing on a tiny little light at the end of an east coast tunnel. Also scotch. We all have our coping mechanisms. I am hoping real soon to make something good happen.

(Hint: I *may* be called upon to service the ladies of Lilith Fair. Again. Yes, it's true - I was once the concubine on tour, being passed back and forth like a joint between Amy Ray and Natalie Merchant. Oh the sights I saw! So you can imagine my surprise to hear from the Canadian via parcel post. No, not that Canadian, the other one. You may have assumed Ms. McLachlan was busy raising babies and doing whatever else it is she does when not singing, but no. She has been ever steadfast in wooing me back on tour all this time. There is a reason it took 10 years for LF to happen again. I have a long memory and my experiences with Rickie Lee Jones haunt me to this day. After my class action suit on behalf of myself and several woodlawn animals was settled a few months ago, I felt ready to hit the road again. No artist would agree until I was placed firmly in the tour rider and so it came to pass. A new generation of young lesbians can now experience the wonders of unfettered estrogen that LF brings due to my generosity and/or many skills. No need to thank me, I know.)

I apologize for going on, it has been a long day of planning to quit my job and daydreaming about my life elsewhere. I also played a shitload of Texas Hold Em on my iPhone, if you must know. I am now in what could be called Senioritis wherein I have ceased to care about this thing they call "work" and this "job". I am counting the days! You shall be the first to know if it comes to pass or if I must place myself in front of the Metro!

Until then, here is a song that you will like:

Crocodile - This Town Needs Guns

SSDD

Hi, I forgot I had a blog!

Dear Diary,

So lots of things have happened since I last wrote to you. Summer ended, fall came, and I am happy to report that the District of Columbia continues to churn out commuters full of ennui, politicians full of shit, and tourists in fanny packs and white socks. On the other hand, I am also happy to report that one can drop a diamond ring on the mall and come back 1.5 hours later and a passerby will pick it up and return it to you (see: My sister, Saturday during peak Tea Bagging protest/tourist wandering). So dreams do come true, Timmy, you just gotta have faith!

What else? As witnessed by my tweets, I attended a football game in Baltimore which was awesome hello even if you don't like football you would have liked to have been tailgating with our "crew" as we had a decent place to eat/drink/hang out/walk to game/watch game/return to car/eat/hang out while one crew member was That Girl Who Throws Up. All in all, a good time. That Girl and I will also be attending the Chiefs/Redskins game in Oct and we have collectively decided that cherry jello shots will not be a part of that event. Lesson learned.

Other things: I will be traveling for the next 1.5 weeks, first to Chicago (which holla I love) and second to California (which I am sort of meh about, but whatever). Both are work trips but I shall be incorporating some 'me time' into the agenda and since I will be in CA for a week, I will attempt to get to the beach this time. This is all presuming that place doesn't burn up or fall off, we are good.

Aside: I had to interview people all day for jobs and here is my advice to the youth of this country: Practice talking in front of a mirror prior to interview and pinch yourself every time you say "um", "like", "you know", and give yourself a double dose when you end a statement with a question mark? Because people who want to take you seriously as a professional? And maybe give you a chance are kind of turned off by that? Because it's annoying? Ah well, we're all trying to get along in this gdamn world so I understand that it's hard out there for a pee eye em pee but you know, this city is ruthless and you gotta convince people you know what you're talking about even when you don't. That is how 3/4 of all fed workers got their jobs, trust.

Alright, diary, I am done with you except to finally say that we both mourn our high school innocence with the passing of Patrick Swayze given that some of us went to see Dirty Dancing like, um five times in a row? Because, you know, all your friends wanted to go and watch the log scene again? Ah youth..

Suddenly everything has changed

So July has basically happened. Here is a random list of things from this month:

1. I was on a shaky carny Bullet ride with an 11 year old boy who freaked out when we reached the top and screamed bloody murder to be let off. All of Akron heard his freak.

2. I caught an 8 inch rock bass in Big Long Lake and released it. Limit is 15 inches because clearly the lake is a size queen.

3. I drank shitty beer at a brewery in Jefferson City MO while a bunch of suburban middle-aged hipsters (such as) played in a bocce ball tourney and had cutesy/ironic shirts with team names like Rolling Balls of Thunder and Bocce-celli Girls.

4. I went to a Cubs/Nats baseball game. It was as boring as I remember baseball being. I'm instituting a 5 inning rule in the event that I am taken to any subsequent games. Five innings is just enough time to have a hotdog, a few beers, scope the crowd for hotties, and be done before the crowds leave and you are stuck at Navy Yard in a throng of people with no way out of the Metro and about to lose your mind.

5. Divorced Blackberry and am sleeping with iPhone. I like like it, but I'm not in love with it. Yet. So I'm kinda seeing them both and neither one knows.

6. I have discovered a new species of Evaluati Whinerous. As a member of that phylum, I understand the sentiment, but cannot abide by the insufferable kvetching of that genus. My patience has run thin so pull yourselves together and buck up!

7. My new Boos Block cutting board probably makes me happier than it should. I did not realize that they are made in Effingham IL, which as you all know, is home to one big-ass highway Jesus cross. I will not hold this against my cutting board however.

8. Here is a brief text exchange that occurred yesterday with my strai friend A:

A: I don't think you even want to know what i did last night

Me: You better just tell me because I'm probably the only one who won't judge.

A: Well there was no coke but...

A: Sad and lots of boobs.

Me: Did you go to a strip club?

A: Uh yes.

Me: That is sad. Who did you go with and where? Or more impt, why?

A: That's what I'd like to know. It was not fun.

The end.

That bird of mine

I share a lot of things in common with my dad. We don't talk about our feelings like any good Hoosier, we both love women and a good drink, and we both like to gamble. I mentioned before that my dad worked on the railroad for at least 40 years. He once told me after I finished grad school that he always wondered why I didn't choose a job where I actually made something useful, you know, like most folks he knew. A little time and therapy cured that sting, but you know, that's how it is in the Midwest, especially when you're of a certain age. Practical, biting, direct. But there's more to a person than just what they say. Words are one thing, actions are another. My preference is for the later as is his.

So yeah, I'm not sure my dad's ever going to understand or appreciate what I went to school for or what I do for a living. That's okay. I always know where I stand with him. I also know he's never going to say what I know he feels, that's not his style and never has been. He'd rather show those things in his own understated ways. Ways that don't have words. I know that's driven more than a few women away in his life, he's not perfect. We're a lot alike. But I like to think I'm at least willing to take all that useful information I learned in school and make something useful, like a change. Or a widget. Or love, not war.

All of the above is an aside to the fact that this morning, I talked to my dad and we were discussing gambling (our shared vice). He won at poker on Thursday by having a pair of nines in his hands when a pair of nines came on the flop. But more impressive is that he told me that some of his friends were going down to Louisville for the Derby and he gave them a couple hundred dollars to bet for him. His instructions were to only put money on the horses that were 15:1 or higher. Bet every horse whose odds were worse than that. The big payoff. The horse that won today was one called Mine That Bird, a 50-1 longshot.

Say what you will, but people often play things too safe. Sometimes you gotta put your money where your mouth is. Longshots rarely win. But sometimes they do.



ETA: Update from dad, he had $10 on that horse so the payoff was $500.

Home of the 1994 Celine Dion wedding

Bonjour from Old Montreal:



Aside from a day almost lost due to (my ever-present) headache, this trip has been lovely, with my Canadian tour guide taking good care of me. Squeezing a tiny bit of sight-seeing in, but mostly indulging in vice/hedonism = eating/drinking/lounging/etc and by etc, I mean plus also attitude adjustment of the horizontal hanging out variety. Of which to say that I appreciate the hospitality of our friends up north. Especially when they speak french for me on occasion and go out for beers in their SB jacket. No complaints from me.



Time to go lounge about and enjoy a late afternoon drink. Adieu to you!

ETA: They love their hockey up here. Also, I miss you.

Manos

Speaking of hands over on Hobocamp, here's a good song for you: Manos.

And second of all, my mini-vacation starts in T-minus 48 hours. I'm going north for some serious R&R + etc = major attitude adjustment. As I understand it, Montreal is still in the thick of winter but no matter. I can assure you that I will not be blogging/tweeting/texting/emailing. I will be lounging about, enjoying Quebec-style hospitality with a certain Canadian habitant. French will be spoken. Allonge' will be sipped. Poutine will at least be considered. Et les mains. Most definitely.

I'm the pretender

Well, so another week down. It's kind of funny, but sometimes I feel like I'm scratching another mark on the wall and looking at all the lines and being secretly glad it feels like time is going fast. Like eventually I will get this over with and can move on. What I don't like, though, is that one of these days (maybe even now), I'll wish, in general, time had not gone so quickly. O, the human condition! Time, the revelator!

I had a dream last night with my people in it; we were having a party with a bunch of folks there and apparently it was a breakfast party because we were preparing things like fruit and waffles and there was beer. Like I always say, ain't no party like a pancake party cuz a pancake party don't stop. Then the dream veered off into bizarro land and I somehow was going to have sex with Michael Phelps so I could sell the pics to the paps. Yeah, I don't know. Let's not speak of it again.

So tonight I am going into the city to meet some people I don't know except for two of them and not even that well. I feel like I need to get out a bit even though I'm not particularly interested in dealing with strangers and/or people and/or both, but I am also feeling a bit restless. Restlessness always gets me in trouble and frankly, all work/no play is starting to get to me and I need something to fill the void. I miss my people and my state and space enough to be happy.

So another week down. According to special relativity, time moves more slowly if you stand still in space so the way to make it happen faster is to increase your velocity through spacetime.

It's time to increase my velocity just a bit.

bob's your uncle

Yeah, so I'm outta here for the weekend. I'm worn down again and need to go recharge so I'm off to Cleveland to hang with my friends + beverages + cooking + music-making + too hot in the hottub, woo!

Very necessary because I've been laboring too much and need a day. See ya!

Like I need some new direction

Quick post, but file this under Oh yeah, I live here now, don't I?:

This morning I had a dream that I was in downtown DC and there was a terrorist attack and bombs all over the city. People were going nuts and running around, chaos, buildings collapsing etc, and I was trying to figure out what to do/where to go. At some point, we heard that NYC was under attack too. Sometime during this, I called my mom and she said "You need to get out of there" and the end of the dream, I was left to figure out if I was going to walk to Virginia and beyond. I was ready to make that walk.

So yeah, a nice anxiety dream to ring in the weekend. After that and a day of potentially dealing with another huge proposal, I shall be going out to drink now. Goodnight!

Promises: The musical!

Well the inevitable has happened: My Promises bunkmate Viv has been kicked out of Yaddo (again) for trying to sneak a Skidmore co-ed into her room after curfew (again). Apparently Patty Highsmith's detailed instructions about such activities are no longer legible on the gin-soaked napkin my dear friend keeps tucked in her bosom. Pity.

But Yaddo's loss is our gain! Yes, your friend and mine has chosen to summer this weekend in the District. With Lilo and Sam in NYC this weekend, V felt it best to escape the media circus that would have ensued upon her return -- it is a little known fact that Linds' infamous cokepants were in fact a pair of Vivvy's capris she had indiscreetly left behind in Sam's dj booth last year. Quel le scandal!

Our tour schedules have been so hectic, it's been quite impossible to coordinate brunch and such. So this visit should finally allow us to finish our much delayed screenplay Hoboken or Bust for the annual Promises Reunion Talent Show. [FYI, we are currently casting and are seeking a Charo - must love coochie (coos). Interested parties please send headshot and guitar demo. Thanks.]

So yes, I have prepared my literary hero her own writing studio complete with a brand new bottle of Stoli, candy gauloises, and a framed photograph of Anais Nin's bare bottom. That should do the trick. Wish us luck!

ETA/FYI: This pretty much defined our weekend.

TFG

So quickly, I am leaving on Thurs for a much needed vacation. Dear reader, have you noticed that I am a bitter miserable people-hating person right now who is so very near a meltdown/breakdown/ho-down that it is possible that I may not actually even make it to Thurs? Have you noticed my poor attitude and the fact that I am no longer able to breathe?

It's ok if you haven't, I know you're busy. Worrying about my deteriorating mental state is not a part of your job description, it's cool. Let us all trust that 9 days away from Dumb City and my robotech job will partially cure what ails me. I am making myself inaccessible to anyone with a 703 or 202 area code. I will be on a pontoon on a lake in Northern Indiana, I will be in a field with my people in Kansas, I will not be here in this place.

I am also trusting that when(if?) I come back, I will be rested and renewed or at the very least, I will have a plan in place for achieving such a state. There are plans and potentials and possibilities. We shall see what develops. I am hoping this not only for myself, but for the safety of others.

I am contemplating not taking my computer but I promise to take pictures and have stories to tell of what I can only imagine will be exploitations/corruptions/disruptions and all around Midwestern shenanigans. I am going to leave you with a pretty picture taken by (correction) my Canadian tourist on the west coast. I bid you farewell!

On the Boulevard

So I managed to carve a little time out of my work in MO to go out to the country a bit to visit my friend's dad - he and I bond over playing good music really loudly and drinking beer. Both of which is what I did until 3am last night and therefore as a result, I was hung like a racehorse today. Really bad metaphor, sorry.

Anyway, point being, I have no one to blame but myself. But hello, we were in the country! It was so quiet and nice and relaxing - we checked out his wood shop which I covet like no one's business, we toured the garden, and then we looked at all the frogs in his frog pond (there were a million tadpoles and tiny frogs and big frogs all hanging out). It was glorious I must say, well worth the pain of feeling like shit today.

I captured some pictures for you of me saying one last Hi from the road.

Oh Boulevard, how I missed ye!




Where my mind will be when I am stuck in traffic tomorrow:




Cheers to you:



Now I am off to bed at 830 because of the above activities. Call me granny, but I'm feeling old and tired. Goodnight!

36 25.07.58W, 121 54 54.26W

Well hello to you too. So I am back in DC after a short (but painfully long) trip up to NYC. I am happy to report that I have returned with some of my sanity intact after dealing with a nightmare of a travel situation on Wed. I will not dwell on it further or bore you with details, suffice to say there is a very good reason I am living on the edge these days.

BUT! However and such as, it is Friday night which means two days to recover before I fly out again. Baby steps and small blessings, I cling to thee. Despite all of the above and other such nonsense, I am surprisingly in slightly slightly better spirits than last weekend at this time. Again, baby steps. That sad sac of wine is still in my frig waiting to be finished, and I will do so this weekend, but I do so not out of a need to dull every sense possible and blot out all coherent thought, but out of the simple joy of knowing that I only have two more trips to make and then I am DUN for awhile. I have carved out a week in July in which I will leave this city and all cities and go back to the Midwest to see only my people and grass and space and open roads and such. TFG is what I say to that.

So I have my dogs back and I am going to do what I assume normal people do on the weekend which will be to chill the fuck out. I hope yours is a good one too, don't hit that wine sac too hard = pay for it later. Goodday!

ETA: It's good to know that should I find myself floating dead in the Potomac right by where I work, Wonder Woman will find me.

box of liquor

So I'm kind of having a lost weekend, taking tomorrow off in an attempt to regain a bit of composure. Which is handy b/c this weekend I have done little but drink = ok and necessary sometimes I have found. I also think I'm a little giddy with excess re this:



As you know, I have been known on occasion to buy a box of wine purely based on the quantity contained therein. This weekend became one such occasion and continues to be so. Plus also the neighbors are playing a ridiculous song over and over again that I can hear thumping through the walls and that is potentially driving me mad moreso than already.

So, in honor of the above + so much more, here is a song about booze (click the link to download, yo) that I would like to share with you and here are the lyrics so that you may sing them aloud con la cancion. No one can hear you, trust me..


Box of liquor by my side and I’ll be alright
It’s cheaper by the shot and by the hour
Box of liquor big enough to put my arms around
Got to find your comfort where your comfort can be found

Take a box of liquor with me on the road
To fill the empty seat beside me
And when the car is out of gas I’ll pour some liquor in
As long as there’s a bottle left so I can drink again

Box of liquor take it where I go
Last me through the desert well into mexico
Where I’ll find cliff to drive off or somebody to hold
A canyon to fall into or somebody to hold

Box of liquor helped me get up off the ground
Where my heart was firmly planted
When I tilt an empty bottle up the moon comes shining through
A bottle full of moonlight needs a bottle full of booze

Box of Liquor - Big Fish Ensemble


ETA3: This is how sad (and strangely pornographic and empty) a sac of wine looks after a weekend + 1 of hitting of said bag by me. I am alternately proud/ashamed of my skills at the spout, but nonetheless, can I get a witness:

This is how we operate

So I am back and I can barely manage to do anything but make playlists on itunes and do laundry. Since I moved in weeks ago, I have only really been in the apt like a total of 5 days? I really haven't unpacked much as evidenced by my living room:



Compare that to the pix I took right when I moved in here. It's sad. I still have not found that thing I was looking for in that one box that is not labeled. Same old story, but when I get back from going here/there, the last thing I want to deal with is that pile of boxes. Like what the hell is in there?? What is all that shit? Next thing I know, I start getting oppressed by my STUFF again and I can't deal. I'd much rather take the dogs out for a walk and smell the flowers. Which I did today as well.

So what am I whining about again? Oh yes, as a result of said conditions, my frig is in a sorry state of affairs. Check it:



The contents are as such:

Diet Pepsi hello
2 bottles of tonic water
1 Coors Light (that I will open shortly)
2 leftover pasta dishes
1 ham steak that I may never cook how long have I had it again?
2 apples
1 half wedge of romano cheese
4 flour tortillas

The most important point being the lack of cold alcoholic beverages which may be the only thing that propels me out of this apt and down to the Whole Foods. That is also sad. What is sadder though, is that I will probably just say fuck it and make due with vodka tonics b/c that would be a bad thing how? See, that is why I like Sundays: I love Jesus but I drink a little. <--- that never gets old either IMO.

Bright side: I have a whole entire week to settle in a bit before I have to travel again. And then a week after that, a left coast trip with the Canadian Drummer = thank god.